EEEKKK!

I think I'm going to Cancun in July with my best friend, her verrrry cute cousin, and maybe some others. That means that I have less than 5 months to get in shape!!!

Uh, i think tomorrow starts back on plan 110%! I thinking that as much as i would like to be at goal (~50 lbs) that's not going to happen, so im determined to lose AT LEAST another 35 to be at 150. I know that's what i said i wanted to be at by my birthday, but obstacles just keep showing up. Maybe we should say 145 by Cancun? Almost at goal, and then ill tackle those last 10 before college? Idk, i need feedback here people!!

In other news, i've been mulling things over, and think that I'm "starting over" on March 1st, and this seems to be the perfectttt catalyst for that. I mean, i've been online for almost three months, and feel like I'm honestly almost still the same exact weight. So I'd rather start fresh at 185, and know that that's really where i committed myself, instead of feeling like i've been going nowhere fast in the last 3+ months. So March 1st, we start with the first official weigh in, and clean clean eating, with a target range 0f 3-5 workouts a week, hopefully closer to the five. I'm also going to look at some different workouts, so i don't get bored so easily. I found out that there's a yoga class on weds. i can go to, then my biggest loser workout, plus the always faithful gym. Here's to falling off the wagon and always climbing right back on, with lots of lessons learned in between.

I've now realized a very simple mantra, taken from the genius Snackiepoo...i have no idea how to link, so sry about that, but she's on my blogroll...

Eat less, move more. Simplify things.
That's it.

I'm still here...and for the long haul :)

I've been away for a few days, i went to stay at my grandparents and i finally got to see my best friend who i haven't seen since the summer.

In general for the last week...food has been bad. Not with a CAPITAL BAD, but not good. I've just been eating a lot of junk, but not in huge quantities at all. In general, i haven't even been eating a lot of food at all....i just can't, which is a GOOD thing, but yet i feel like im still reaching for the same amount of food.....it's really been hard to adjust. Like, I'm still trying to eat the same amount of food as i ate before, even if it isn't bad food, but my stomach just refuses to accept it. That means that in general, i've been feeling a lot fuller when i eat, and not in a good way. I'm hoping my brain is finally starting to make the connection to my stomach that i don't need as much, and GOD FORBID i take a smaller portion, i can always get more food later. It's not like i can't go hungry for a little while or i can't go back and get more. But really this is happening all the time lately- but then again, im not sure if it really is happening, or im just eating little (bad) snacks here and there, and still eating just as much overall.
I worked out thursday night and friday i went to the gym, and saturday i had work which was physically and mentally exhausting b/c i found out that morning that i got into Uof Maryland (yay!) but then i found out that i didn't get into the scholars program and my best friend did. I mean i love her, but there's always been some competition between us. I've already filled out the application for the waitlist, so hopefully i will get into that when all the REALLY smart people go to different schools. Sunday-Tuesday i was away......this was where i didn't eat a lot of food at all, but when i did......not healthy. woops. Today was the first day back at school and food was ehh...i had 2 granola bars in the morning w/ water, and avoided all candy being sold in class. For lunch, i had 2 wendy's chnx nugget things off the dollar menu and i ordered fries, but i COULDN'T eat them. My stomach refused! Then after school, i had an apple w/ peanut butter (yay!) and at work i did have some candy and the top of a muffin. I guess that was really the only bad stuff......so not that bad. For dinner i had a chnx salad scoop, and i ordered a side ceaser with it, but once again COULDN'T eat it. Water wasn't great, three bottles of water (small) but better than the last few days. However, i haven't excerisced while i was away, and won't be able to tonight after work or tomorrow due to school stuff that i avoided over break. I'm pretty sure that the earliest i'll DEF. be able to work out is saturday b/c i have work friday afternoon, and then sat morning, so that even depends on how tired i am. If anything, well, life got in the way, and ill workout sunday morning. That's more than a week with nothing- something i haven't done in probably almost 6 weeks. I've never been able to say that before. {I just realized how much walking i did in the city on monday, so maybe that will save grace a teeny tiny bit}
In general, since i missed weigh in and FEEL like i probabely gained a few pounds back w/ the crappy eating, since i fluctuate so quickly, im not doing a weigh in this week. Hell, maybe not even next week. Mentally, i CAN'T afford to see a gain on the scales right now, so i'd just rather not weigh in at all. I'm also thinking that just b/c all that crappy food made me feel kinda blah im gonna go on a mini detox until sunday when we're going to a birthday dinner. So that will be three days with nothing but water, no processed foods at all, and no bready products. I REALLY need this- but i don't feel like im limiting myself- i don't feel like im forcing myself. It's something i want to do right now.
Oh well, we shall see how long this idea sticks tomorrow...lol.
I'm still looking for motivation especially when it feels like i fall off the wagon so often. I found some when i happened to glance at my horoscope while at work...

"As a typical gemini, you tend to have sensitive nerves. Now that Mars is in your sign, you'll have energy to spare. To keep it from turning into tension, you'll need an outlet, so head to the gym. This is a perfect time for Mars to rev you up: you've already begun a trend for improving your health, os you can double your progress."

I felt like this was all so true! I have been feeling a lot of tension and nervous energy....college decisions, boy feelings, ect....how odd to see what i was feeling in writing!

Once again, thanks to all for commenting. I know this blog is for me, but it's always GREAT to see that i have a support system who are all going through the same thing. My family is great, but they just aren't here for me the way i need them to be. So please, just keep the comments coming. In some strange way, knowing you guys care makes ME care more.

Happy hump day!
-milana

Short and Sweet

Oh yes, sweet would be the right word. That's what i ate today. This morning was the senior breakfast, and I had a small danish AND the cream and bottom layer of a boston cream (basically i just didn't eat the chocolate top.) Then after lunch, I had two reese's chocolate cookies, plus a couple of chocolate covered cherries at work. Other than that, i had a sand. at lunch, cup soup and a banana for snacks, and dinner was turkey burger w/ ceaser......but i split fries w/ the other girl. So today was most def. my pig out day. (Nowhere near as bad as when i first started this whole thing though!) The thing im most proud of is that i still went and did my biggest loser workout. Maybe not as sucessful........i did a lot of the side step thingy, my quads just weren't cooperating. I'm not going to Maryland, so this means no way-in until monday. I'm def going to make sure that there's a nice loss this week! Now, im off to sleep b/c i've got no school 2m!

Today

So today was ok. I think I overindugled a little food wise because i was bored, and i didn't work out. I drank only water, but not enough. I had a 24 oz bottle, and then aother 16 or 18 oz bottle, but I didn't drink any after 2 o'clock today. I've noticed that If i don't try and have a bottle of water around, i won't drink it. Instead, i had this sago tea strawberry shakeish thing, which i now remembered why i don't like it! It was wayyy too sweet.

I feel like i ate a lot today.

B: 2 of these things my mom made....they're the pillsbury biscuit things, stuffed w/ cabbage and mushrooms. Not really breakfast food lol, but my mom makes them twice a year, so im not feeling guilty about that.
S: granola bar and cheese stick
L:Chicken parm w/ vodka sauce wrap. Tasted amazing, but i don't even WANT to think about the calories.
S: another 2 biscuits, and some sf/ff pudding
S:The strawberry shake thingy, which i didn't finish...it just wasn't good
D: some cheese w/ garden veggies on 1 pc. dark russian bread, w/ some type of russian deli meat and mustard

So yea....i think a lot of the food today was just too...over processed and not really good for me lol. I didn't necessarily eat junk...but not very healthy. Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully i can be extra healthy, and since i don't have school friday, i can work out after work.

Monday 2/13/06

Yay! 181.5! I am so going to be under 180 next week! I haven't seen those numbers for a long time :) So I've officially lost the first ten pounds, which were mentally a lot harder than I expected, but I feel so much better now. The portions have def. been smaller, I've been trying to incorporate the excercise as often as possible, and the best thing is that if I'm craving something bad, I'll let myself have some, but not go CRAZY. Like right now, im craving some valentine's day treats, so only AFTER my workout, i will stop by the walgreen's and get myself something small and yummy.
Things have been going good overall the last couple of days, I've been avoiding the crazy scale, and I feel alot better after all that rest from when i got sick. Now I'm just looking forward to losing the next ten (technically 11.5) so I can start looking fora prom dress!

**Edit
Just a quick update:
I've decided that since I'm planning on going away this weekend from Friday morning to Sunday night, I don't want to come back and weigh myself the next morning, so I will Friday morning before I leave, and then Monday to see the damage. I'm still planning to work out before i leave and eat carefully all week, so I'm planning to get into the 170's!
ALSO: I made it through two mental blocks today after my first entry. I went to the gym and switched my bike cardio for 15 mins to my first thing, then did weight/abs/ect THEN i was like " I really don't want to do the eliptical...im tired...i was planning to be home already and the damn traffic cut me short"...but I FORCED myself on the damn thing and told myself how good I was going to feel. And after i did that, my ipod died almost immediatly, but i kept going! AND i did more than the 20 mins i had set b/c i wanted to make sure to burn at least 200 calories, no matter that it took longer than 20 mins. So i really felt fantastic after the workout.
The second awesome thing that happened was that when i went to get myself my treat, all the leftover candy wasn't on sale yet, but i realllllllllly wanted chocolate since i was planning on it and its TOM. So, I'm standing there looking at all the "bad" stuff which is on sale and im like, NOOO must resist, must resist! Then i see lindt dark chocolate on sale....I literally stood there for 10 mins trying to convince myself to just take the dark chocolate and that's it! AND after 10 mins, i finally did it, and walked away with nothing else. Plus, I only had half the serving b/c its 4 blocks of the chocolate, and they're huge! It was VERY good though, i see now why everyone says dark chocolate is so much better than the other crap. You really do appreciate it once you cut out all the other crap.
So it was really a good day. Except for some pretzels and half a bagel, i ate and drank awesome stuff. And the bagel and pretzels were accounted for, burned off, and limited, so I am a happy happy girl. It's ten o'clock, but I'm tired and all that extra sleep last week did wonders, so I'm going to try and continue that. Later!

Haha the Irony...

So, i think the NIGHT, or the day after my last post, not sure when it was.......i got SO sick. Basically, i got the NASTY crazy virus that's going around. I threw up and everything. So that was pretty insane... I stayed home on thursday, and friday, i could've gone to school, but it was a friday, i was still tired (even though i slept for 16 hrs on thursday) and just thought it was better to stay at home. Saturday, i went to work in the morning, where i felt kinda woozy, and after work i came home after running some errands and hibernated all night and today because of the CRAZY snowstorm. We got about 18 inches i think.......thank god for our neighbor who has a snow blower and almost ALWAYS cleans a major part for us......as much of the driveway as he can, and all the sidewalk, which wraps around the front and side of the house (we live on the corner).
So, I dropped a couple of pounds being sick w/ the dehydration and stuff, but on top of that, all weekend, i've realized that even though i feel fine, my appetite def. hasn't come back. I mean i want to eat, but a lot LESS than ever. I'm not complaining though, its good. Hopefully it will just push the weightloss, as long as i make sure i still eat enough of all the good stuff.
I'm still going with the weight loss, i had an awesome workout RIGHT before i got really sick wed night, so that was odd. I'm going to stick to working out 3-4 times a week at the moment, and eating right and drinking lots of water. I wish i could get an extra burst of motivation right now. I know that im developing better habits, but still nothing extreme to the point where i feel like im seeing definite results. I'm still yo-yo bouncing a loss or a gain of a couple of pounds in each direction, which means that im still stuck in the mid 180's. It's just really weird, but i hate the fact that im finding it so hard for me to set a more restrictive way right now. Then again, i feel like if i don't, im never going to see the results i want. So its like, im working out (kinda) and eating right (kinda) so even though i feel like im doing what i need to do, im really not, and thats why im not seeing the results i want. I hope that getting this out here will help me realize that setting a better and more rigorous plan will give me the results that i want, and it will give me the motivation and willpower to stick to that plan. Right now, my goal is still to hit 150 before my 18th birthday. That means that i have just about 3 1/2 months to lose 35 lbs. Is that possible? I don't even know, or even know if its healthy. I do however realize that for my body, it's not an unhealthy as it would be for someone else, just because at this age, i should be able to lose more than a lb or two a week. However let's see...2 lbs a week for 13 weeks is is 26 lbs...so not that bad...maybe ill change that goal to 155 by my birthday, and then the last 20 lbs sometime during the summer. We shall see...

It's been a while...

I know it's been almost two weeks. I don't know why....things that have been going on and annoying me. It's gotten alot harder...not the excercising, though that hasn't been anywhere near good either......but the food. OMG the food. I've eaten basically anything and everything that I've wanted. I can't take it anymore. I'm literally crying these days because all i want is for this to stop. It's all i think about. What im going to eat, when im going to eat, how tomorrow's a new day and im starting over. I don't want to give up, i really don't, but this scares me. Losing the weight should be a part of my life, but not the only thing i think about.
The willpower is basically gone. I don't know where it went, but i want my muse back. It's like on the one hand, i bought new workout clothes and new workout gear, but on the other hand i just keep stuffing my face with food. Any yes, i know that im getting my period, so the mood swings haven't been helping. I was acting like a crazy bitch all weekend, but the last two days have been better. However, its still not here, and i missed it last month, which is quite normal for me too. I have the craziest period in the world, which is just another thing that makes me want to cry.
I feel like on top of everything, all i keep hearing about is anorexic girls and bulimic girls. I swear to god, something comes up about eating disorders every single DAMN day of my life. In fact, as much as i don't actually want to admit this...i tried to make myself throw up this afternoon. I had a huge binge, and i panicked. It didn't happen.......i've tried a couple of times over the last couple of years, and its never worked, which i guess is a good thing in itself. It's not like i think becoming a bulimic is the answer.......no matter how damn skinny i would get at any point, i wouldn't be healthy. And that's all i really want, is to be healthy. I don't know why its so hard.
I'm not going to let myself go down that path. It won't happen, and i think somehow, i knew that, and thats why i let myself even try. If i thought it could actually happen, i never would have done it. I know that sound crazy, but it makes sense to me.
The crazy thing is, i've been getting a couple of compliments here and there, mostly from my family, but its like, if other pple are noticing, that should be motivation for me and it should keep me going. Right??? yet somehow i still eat and eat and eat.
In general, except for today, the stuff i've eaten hasn't even been all that BAD. Mostly, just chocolate and bread. Today though, i ate like i haven't eaten in months. I still want to throw up because of all those damn cookies. I think the problem really has been that i haven't been starting off the day right, becuase when i did, i had no problem saying no to the bad stuff. So maybe this means that even though single servings of cereal and granola bars are easy, they just might not be the answer. It's just really hard for me b/c i DON'T get up early to eat...i can barely get up on time as it is...and i go to school...not work where i can sit and eat a yougurt or something.
I also bought i digital scale, a taylor, but my dad says his weight is off by four lbs. Idk, i was the same, but i also know i gained a lb and a 1/2 between yest and this morning. Im def going back to weighing on mondays only tho, b/c i think mentally i can't handle any more or less than once a week.
I'm hoping that tonight was my breaking point. Tomorrow starts a new day, and i can just get back on the wagon, get myself into a routine, and not look back. I don't know what my feeling are right now...not optimistic, but not depressed either. I guess im kinda just at neutral...
**I have already had my 64+ oz of water, im going to work out tonight, and im going to just have a simple salad and more water when i go out w/ a friend later tonight. Hopefully he can pick my mood up a little.

Err, also, i PROMISE to get some pictures up as soon as i manage to figure out how the hell to add pictures to this website, since i can't just upload what i already have on my computer...current progress pics ill also do when i figure that out and how to work my camera :)