It's been a while...
I know it's been almost two weeks. I don't know why....things that have been going on and annoying me. It's gotten alot harder...not the excercising, though that hasn't been anywhere near good either......but the food. OMG the food. I've eaten basically anything and everything that I've wanted. I can't take it anymore. I'm literally crying these days because all i want is for this to stop. It's all i think about. What im going to eat, when im going to eat, how tomorrow's a new day and im starting over. I don't want to give up, i really don't, but this scares me. Losing the weight should be a part of my life, but not the only thing i think about.
The willpower is basically gone. I don't know where it went, but i want my muse back. It's like on the one hand, i bought new workout clothes and new workout gear, but on the other hand i just keep stuffing my face with food. Any yes, i know that im getting my period, so the mood swings haven't been helping. I was acting like a crazy bitch all weekend, but the last two days have been better. However, its still not here, and i missed it last month, which is quite normal for me too. I have the craziest period in the world, which is just another thing that makes me want to cry.
I feel like on top of everything, all i keep hearing about is anorexic girls and bulimic girls. I swear to god, something comes up about eating disorders every single DAMN day of my life. In fact, as much as i don't actually want to admit this...i tried to make myself throw up this afternoon. I had a huge binge, and i panicked. It didn't happen.......i've tried a couple of times over the last couple of years, and its never worked, which i guess is a good thing in itself. It's not like i think becoming a bulimic is the answer.......no matter how damn skinny i would get at any point, i wouldn't be healthy. And that's all i really want, is to be healthy. I don't know why its so hard.
I'm not going to let myself go down that path. It won't happen, and i think somehow, i knew that, and thats why i let myself even try. If i thought it could actually happen, i never would have done it. I know that sound crazy, but it makes sense to me.
The crazy thing is, i've been getting a couple of compliments here and there, mostly from my family, but its like, if other pple are noticing, that should be motivation for me and it should keep me going. Right??? yet somehow i still eat and eat and eat.
In general, except for today, the stuff i've eaten hasn't even been all that BAD. Mostly, just chocolate and bread. Today though, i ate like i haven't eaten in months. I still want to throw up because of all those damn cookies. I think the problem really has been that i haven't been starting off the day right, becuase when i did, i had no problem saying no to the bad stuff. So maybe this means that even though single servings of cereal and granola bars are easy, they just might not be the answer. It's just really hard for me b/c i DON'T get up early to eat...i can barely get up on time as it is...and i go to school...not work where i can sit and eat a yougurt or something.
I also bought i digital scale, a taylor, but my dad says his weight is off by four lbs. Idk, i was the same, but i also know i gained a lb and a 1/2 between yest and this morning. Im def going back to weighing on mondays only tho, b/c i think mentally i can't handle any more or less than once a week.
I'm hoping that tonight was my breaking point. Tomorrow starts a new day, and i can just get back on the wagon, get myself into a routine, and not look back. I don't know what my feeling are right now...not optimistic, but not depressed either. I guess im kinda just at neutral...
**I have already had my 64+ oz of water, im going to work out tonight, and im going to just have a simple salad and more water when i go out w/ a friend later tonight. Hopefully he can pick my mood up a little.
Err, also, i PROMISE to get some pictures up as soon as i manage to figure out how the hell to add pictures to this website, since i can't just upload what i already have on my computer...current progress pics ill also do when i figure that out and how to work my camera :)
The willpower is basically gone. I don't know where it went, but i want my muse back. It's like on the one hand, i bought new workout clothes and new workout gear, but on the other hand i just keep stuffing my face with food. Any yes, i know that im getting my period, so the mood swings haven't been helping. I was acting like a crazy bitch all weekend, but the last two days have been better. However, its still not here, and i missed it last month, which is quite normal for me too. I have the craziest period in the world, which is just another thing that makes me want to cry.
I feel like on top of everything, all i keep hearing about is anorexic girls and bulimic girls. I swear to god, something comes up about eating disorders every single DAMN day of my life. In fact, as much as i don't actually want to admit this...i tried to make myself throw up this afternoon. I had a huge binge, and i panicked. It didn't happen.......i've tried a couple of times over the last couple of years, and its never worked, which i guess is a good thing in itself. It's not like i think becoming a bulimic is the answer.......no matter how damn skinny i would get at any point, i wouldn't be healthy. And that's all i really want, is to be healthy. I don't know why its so hard.
I'm not going to let myself go down that path. It won't happen, and i think somehow, i knew that, and thats why i let myself even try. If i thought it could actually happen, i never would have done it. I know that sound crazy, but it makes sense to me.
The crazy thing is, i've been getting a couple of compliments here and there, mostly from my family, but its like, if other pple are noticing, that should be motivation for me and it should keep me going. Right??? yet somehow i still eat and eat and eat.
In general, except for today, the stuff i've eaten hasn't even been all that BAD. Mostly, just chocolate and bread. Today though, i ate like i haven't eaten in months. I still want to throw up because of all those damn cookies. I think the problem really has been that i haven't been starting off the day right, becuase when i did, i had no problem saying no to the bad stuff. So maybe this means that even though single servings of cereal and granola bars are easy, they just might not be the answer. It's just really hard for me b/c i DON'T get up early to eat...i can barely get up on time as it is...and i go to school...not work where i can sit and eat a yougurt or something.
I also bought i digital scale, a taylor, but my dad says his weight is off by four lbs. Idk, i was the same, but i also know i gained a lb and a 1/2 between yest and this morning. Im def going back to weighing on mondays only tho, b/c i think mentally i can't handle any more or less than once a week.
I'm hoping that tonight was my breaking point. Tomorrow starts a new day, and i can just get back on the wagon, get myself into a routine, and not look back. I don't know what my feeling are right now...not optimistic, but not depressed either. I guess im kinda just at neutral...
**I have already had my 64+ oz of water, im going to work out tonight, and im going to just have a simple salad and more water when i go out w/ a friend later tonight. Hopefully he can pick my mood up a little.
Err, also, i PROMISE to get some pictures up as soon as i manage to figure out how the hell to add pictures to this website, since i can't just upload what i already have on my computer...current progress pics ill also do when i figure that out and how to work my camera :)
posted by bloomingbeing @ 2:48 PM
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