Alive

I'm alive...really, nothing bad has happened. I haven't fallen off the face of the earth or fallen into a food coma. I just haven't had the energy to deal with "this" monster- and so the blog has been neglected also.

I blame it on being busy, and not having enough time, but that really isn't true. Sure, i don't have a ton of free time, but more than my fair share that I could be putting into planning out my food and working out. I finally felt like i was getting back into the swing of things, and then it disappeared all over again.

I'm disapointed in myself, more than anything. I was holding steady at 179-180 for quite a while, and then i just started to eat like no tomorrow, for no reason (no conscious reason anyway). And, I can REALLY see the weight...its all sitting around my stomach and the back rolls. I hate it so badly...and i hate that i can't seem to pull myself together.

I do realize that part of it does come down to the small bouts of depression that I've been having since this school year started. I know that it's normal- the first year of college is a huge adjustment for anyone, and i've had a TON of other stuff to deal with. However, i still feel like im making excuses. AND, i'm just really sick of it. I feel like i just need to get my head in the right place, and i could do this. I really want to do this.... but it just feels like its too damn hard sometimes.

One of my biggest battles (with everything, not just weight loss), which i have really begun to discover is that i'm horrible at breaking big goals down into little ones. Maybe that is part of why this whole process is so hard for me...maybe I just look at the fact that I need to lose at least 45 lbs (if nto closer to 55) and i just feel like im in over my head....

My weight holds me back from so much...and im really learning to grow out of that...and be happy with myself, but i know that i will NEVER have a good relationship with a guy if i continue to feel the way that I do about myself now......i have a very strong personality, and frankly, the amount of self esteem i have about my looks will never attract the kind of guy that can deal with my personality (if that makes any sense, it does in my head)

The best part is that I finally have a REAL motivator...my sister just got engaged, and they are doing a late summer/early fall wedding......they just want to get their lives started together, and i feel like its finally a great motiavtor for me...i mean proms, i only let myself down...here, its their wedding photos if i look like crap! And im not saying that i want to lose the weight just for the wedding....its for much more than that, but still a great goal indeed!

So that's where I am.......desperately trying to pull myself back from this ledge i've been dangling on...im sick of saying, THIS is the time im finally going to do it......so for now, all im going to say is...

Right now, im doing it. Break it down piece by piece, and get it done.

Thanks for the encouregment, i could really use some!