Alive

I'm alive...really, nothing bad has happened. I haven't fallen off the face of the earth or fallen into a food coma. I just haven't had the energy to deal with "this" monster- and so the blog has been neglected also.

I blame it on being busy, and not having enough time, but that really isn't true. Sure, i don't have a ton of free time, but more than my fair share that I could be putting into planning out my food and working out. I finally felt like i was getting back into the swing of things, and then it disappeared all over again.

I'm disapointed in myself, more than anything. I was holding steady at 179-180 for quite a while, and then i just started to eat like no tomorrow, for no reason (no conscious reason anyway). And, I can REALLY see the weight...its all sitting around my stomach and the back rolls. I hate it so badly...and i hate that i can't seem to pull myself together.

I do realize that part of it does come down to the small bouts of depression that I've been having since this school year started. I know that it's normal- the first year of college is a huge adjustment for anyone, and i've had a TON of other stuff to deal with. However, i still feel like im making excuses. AND, i'm just really sick of it. I feel like i just need to get my head in the right place, and i could do this. I really want to do this.... but it just feels like its too damn hard sometimes.

One of my biggest battles (with everything, not just weight loss), which i have really begun to discover is that i'm horrible at breaking big goals down into little ones. Maybe that is part of why this whole process is so hard for me...maybe I just look at the fact that I need to lose at least 45 lbs (if nto closer to 55) and i just feel like im in over my head....

My weight holds me back from so much...and im really learning to grow out of that...and be happy with myself, but i know that i will NEVER have a good relationship with a guy if i continue to feel the way that I do about myself now......i have a very strong personality, and frankly, the amount of self esteem i have about my looks will never attract the kind of guy that can deal with my personality (if that makes any sense, it does in my head)

The best part is that I finally have a REAL motivator...my sister just got engaged, and they are doing a late summer/early fall wedding......they just want to get their lives started together, and i feel like its finally a great motiavtor for me...i mean proms, i only let myself down...here, its their wedding photos if i look like crap! And im not saying that i want to lose the weight just for the wedding....its for much more than that, but still a great goal indeed!

So that's where I am.......desperately trying to pull myself back from this ledge i've been dangling on...im sick of saying, THIS is the time im finally going to do it......so for now, all im going to say is...

Right now, im doing it. Break it down piece by piece, and get it done.

Thanks for the encouregment, i could really use some!

50th post

It's kind of nice to have such a nice round number for my first post of the year, especially when I'm finally starting to feel like I'm ready to put my energy back into this weight loss game, once and for all!

Here's the plan for the next ten days until I go back to school:
I want to try this "intiutive eating" that I've been reading so much about: eat what I want, but really listen to my body as to how much I want of everything... I've really pinpointed the fact that my major problem is how MUCH I eat... not that everything I eat is good for me, but for the most part, I know that the portions kill me...

I've been eating a lot of junk this last week (new years is a big thing for my family, its a whole russian tradition...) But since last weekend, I started eating crap and haven't been able to start... so now I'm done with that, and even though I probably gained a little bit from all that crap, I'm going to post 178 as my real weight... That's the number I'm starting off with, and we're making it my challenge number!

SO... the last day that I will be 18 ON is may 28th, as the 29th of May will by my 19th Birthday...

SO From 178 to 148, by May 28th, my last day being 18....wow, that a lot of 8's!

I know I can do this...this next week is just easing myself back into some good eating habits...

Cut down on portions
Drink lots of water
Cut out the sugar
Only fruit after 8
I'm going to do all this everyday...even though I'm going to visit my best friend for a few days...I don't care, I can do it!

I think a big part of why I always fall off the wagon is that I don't make a concrete plan...so here it is...148 by May 28th... and this "mini plan" for the rest of break... I know I can do it!

I also really do plan on getting back into the blogging world...I've updated my stats and plan on doing the same to my blogroll!

Have a good and "on plan" weekend everybody!! Talk to you soon!
-Milana

Oh my, what a month it has been....I think I've felt every emotion under the sun...

My grandmother passed away very suddenly the weekend after thanksgiving... I'm still not sure if I've really grieved b/c I have been quite ok since it happened...maybe b/c we didn't have to watch her suffer, maybe b/c my father doesn't have so much stress on him now... I can't really put it into words, obv. no one is happy when such an integral member of the family passes away, but I've really been ok...I loved my grandmother dearly and plan to honor her memory and will miss her for the rest of my life...but I'm ok...

I met this guy who I've really started to like...I'm just so comfortable with him and am just getting to know him and we are enjoying ourselves...so we shall see where that will lead...

Compared to the beginning of the semester I've been soooooooo much happier, and I really hope that after being home for winter break, I can come back to school and have a much more organized start to the semester.... at the moment, except for one day, all my classes do start at 11:30 again, but I'm done earlier in the day...so no big gaps, which i am happy about...

and last but not least I am holding STEADY at 178-179! It has been great to break out of the 180's and I certainly plan on never seeing those numbers again! I do really plan to start hitting the gym again when I get home and make it a big part of my time when I get back to school next semester.... I'm ready to do this and do it right!

I'm done with school on Thursday, I just have one final monday night and one on Thursday...I'm not even worried about the Th. one, I just have to PASS the monday one...the next 2 days are going to be spent cramming! fun fun...

I want to wish all of you an amazing holiday season, and I hope that every single one of us take the time to look around and see everything that we have...I'm not wasting another day of my life living for tomorrow...after this past month I know that I want to make every single day special!

All my best,
Milana

bleh

I really love how In the morning, I feel great and then that night (for no particular reason) I can look in the mirror and feel like a huge cow..........le sigh........

I'm so ready to do this right and get to feeling good about myself........I know I'm pretty...maybe I'm not "hot", but its damn ok........I'M the girl guys want to bring home to mom...and that's the way I like it :)

Starting Over...

It's been almost a year since I started this blog...probbly about 11 months...and I've grown a lot as a person and had a lot of ups and downs with the whole weight loss issue...

I'm in a new environment now, and really trying to teach myself that its ok to love myself at any size...no will else is going to be able to love me unless I love myself... and I'm also trying to teach myself that I am beautiful, and that I'm worth it... I'm not going to let anyone put me down anymore...I'm done with that garbage!

this is where I recommit myself to this journey... I'm going to do it day by day and not look at the big picture anymore...its time to break this down and make it managable...I'd done with letting my weight rule my life

Here's to the rest of my healthy loving life :)

Never Really Gone...

Hey All, How is everyone doing?
Please don't think I've disappeared...I really haven't, I've been here all along reading and wishing you all the best and seeing you go through the ups and downs that we all have been facing. The truth is that college has been a much harder mental adjustment than I ever thought it would be mentally....It's been a really tough 2 months....but I'd like to think that I'm much stronger mentally and emotionally....I mean everything happens for a reason right?

I was 186 when I left for school and I'm sitting at 181 now...I've been there for a few weeks. To be truthful I've had absolutly no energy to care about food or excercise...but I'm not eating too badly...the dining hall here has a ton of options and great hours....I've barely been eating out at all which is good and even though everyone on my floor loves to order food at all random hours of the day, I've only ordered 3 or 4 times. It's not too bad...the only real problems with food here are portion control in the dining hall, eating too much dessert (ie pudding AND a piece of cake) and not drinking enough water/ more soda than I ever did b/c the water in the dining hall tastes like chlorine!! Eh......but I've been trying to drink seltzer in the dining hall now, so that's working a little bit...

Other than that.....I've finally started to adjust a little more, I'm not as homesick....I just wish I could meet some solid friends.....everyone here is nice.......but I'm a gemini and we really do get emotionally attached.....so I feel like if I just made a few really good friends.....things would be alot better


I'm planning on starting a much better pattern in the next few days....So far today I ate some trail mix, a large salad at lunch w/ low cal dressing and not too much chicken on it...then a cone w/ 100 cal frozen yogurt on it.....

I've also been doing yoga and i did a 4 wk salsa class at the gym here at school....the awesome thing is that we have these really cheap classes (ie the salsa class was $5 for the whole month!)...so as soon as I stop making excuses and get my butt moving.....I think I'll be in good shape. Right now I've made a concrete goal and that is to be at 160 by the New Year. I'm making sure the holidays don't turn into an issue for me!

I'm so glad that I finally gave the mental energy to deal with all this again... I'll talk to you all soon......you're all in my thoughts!

-Milana

Collegeeeee

Just a quick note to explain why i've been MIA...

Right now, im cleaning and packing and doing all that not so fun but kinda exciting stuff such as shopping for all the miscellanious crap one doesn't realize they use in day to day life.

I move in in 5 days, but mostly everyones left for school but mine in this area, so i have a lot of time to myself to get ready, both physically and emotionally. Im scared but excited, and cant wait to just be there!

My schedule for classes is very nice, one that im happy with as soon as i switch some stuff around, and im also making sure that i will have time to workout, i heard there are great gyms.....lol i didnt even bother to go see them when i was there!

Other than that, today was my last day of work......i think that little factor will help ALOT in terms of the random snacking......candy, chips, too much soup, muffins....that i did only at work for the most part.

I haven't been too good....going out for lots of goodbye meals and such....plus i havent worked out since my membership ran out, but im not feeling guilty. Just looking forward to living a much healthier lifestyle in college then i did in hs. I really feel like this new enviornment will be much better for me.

OK all, next time i write, i will probably be at school!