New Me

Hello world! I'm a 17 year old teen who is almost done growing up in the suburbs of New York City. While younger than the general weight loss crowd around here, im just sick and tired of being the "fat friend". I feel like my personality does not match my body at all, and I am DONE being unhappy with myself just for a few minutes filled with psuedohappiness due to some food. Being overweight seems to run in the female side of my family- my older cousin, my sister, my aunt, my aunt, and myself have all had to battle the scales, some with more success than others. I've been overweight for probably just about the last ten years of my life, since age eight or so. I've never been ok with it, but its never bothered me as much as it has over the past few months. I just feel like I am MISSING out on so much that life has to offer! I want to go out with guys, i want to go shopping for clothes with all my friends, i want to be able to ski and dance and enjoy life without being so damn self concious about how my body looks, but most of all i really just want to be healthy! It really is just that important to me that i get down to a healthy, maintanable weight. I feel no need to be "skinny"- i will never be a size 2 or a 4, but i believe that i can be a very HEALTHY size 8 or so. Im currently a 12/13, at a current weight of about 188 lbs (about 192 starting). While I know that some people may believe that that is ok, i know that at 5 ft 3 in. it is NOT, and that there is no reason for me to be at that weight, especially since it has been a climbing weight since my early teen years. I know that if i can't gain control of my body NOW, it will only get worse. I'm going to be moving away from home in the fall, going to college, not exactly sure where, but i know that i am moving out, and that if i don't gain control of myself now, it will only get worse. I won't let that happen. I remember saying i would never let myself get over 160 lbs, 170, but the number on the scale just kept going and going, but it stops TODAY.
I am so scared of failing, because while pushed in the past to try and lose weight by my parents, it never really happened. I would lie and say that i was eating right and working out, but i would still stuff myself with junk. Growing up, my parents tried to restrict the junk we ate, and i always loved fruits and veggies ect, but my sister and i never had portion control or access to team sports and such. I spent my childhood with books (which i still love!) and a family membership to a gym since somewhere around the age of ten (let me tell you how much THAT messed me up!) I know i have issues with food, but i can't really say that i know WHAT they are. I mean, HOW can i sit with a box or pringles and eat them all in a day?? Why does my brain let me do that?
All in all, I think that I am finally ready to start down the road to losing the 50 ibs or so that i want to lose. Right now i am setting a goal of 140 lbs, and when i get there (not if, but WHEN) i will decide if that is where i need to be to maintain. In all honesty, i would like to do that by graduation (june 15,2006!) but i don't know if that is healthy or managable. I work 3 times a week, am very involved in school activites (national honor society, future busness leaders of america, student government, peer leadership, ect) and i like to say that i have a social life. However, as i am heading to second semester of my senior year, and can kind of ease out of actually caring about any of those activties or my classes since i have already been accepted into colleges, I feel like now is the time to invest myself into becoming a better person, both mentally AND physically. I will probably being to work with a personal trainer in the beginning of the new year, because while i actually do enjoy working out once i get my butt to the gym, i am still nto sure if i am working out correctly, nor am i sure about what food i should be eating. However, after the new year starts, i am planning to start keeping a food journal, which i hope will help me.
I've been reading a lot of other weightloss blogs for the last few weeks, in addition to just reading weightloss motivational material and watching the biggest loser. I can actually say that this is the first time that i have ever felt this kind of motivation and willpower in my life, which i always felt was the missing ticket to my wieghtloss in the past. Like i said, i am so scared of failing, but i CAN'T keep living my life like this. Ten years of being overweight was more than enough- i want to live the kind of life the "inside" me has always craved. In general, i feel that if i get into good shape, then i will be much happier, and will go away to college feeling that i can handle anything!
I don't know if anyone is going to actually read this entire post- a lot of this has been brewing in my head for the last month or so, and I've just really needed to get it out. I am SO excited about what is to come in the next months- with all the good stuff that happens during senior year, my weight loss will just be another memory that i can treasure, of proving to myself what i am capable of accomplishing.
If anyone would like to leave any comments about getting started in their own paths, i would greatly appreciate it. I will also be posting some beginning pictures in the days to come.