bloomingbeing

Alive

2007-03-21T22:28:00.000-07:00

I'm alive...really, nothing bad has happened. I haven't fallen off the face of the earth or fallen into a food coma. I just haven't had the energy to deal with "this" monster- and so the blog has been neglected also.

I blame it on being busy, and not having enough time, but that really isn't true. Sure, i don't have a ton of free time, but more than my fair share that I could be putting into planning out my food and working out. I finally felt like i was getting back into the swing of things, and then it disappeared all over again.

I'm disapointed in myself, more than anything. I was holding steady at 179-180 for quite a while, and then i just started to eat like no tomorrow, for no reason (no conscious reason anyway). And, I can REALLY see the weight...its all sitting around my stomach and the back rolls. I hate it so badly...and i hate that i can't seem to pull myself together.

I do realize that part of it does come down to the small bouts of depression that I've been having since this school year started. I know that it's normal- the first year of college is a huge adjustment for anyone, and i've had a TON of other stuff to deal with. However, i still feel like im making excuses. AND, i'm just really sick of it. I feel like i just need to get my head in the right place, and i could do this. I really want to do this.... but it just feels like its too damn hard sometimes.

One of my biggest battles (with everything, not just weight loss), which i have really begun to discover is that i'm horrible at breaking big goals down into little ones. Maybe that is part of why this whole process is so hard for me...maybe I just look at the fact that I need to lose at least 45 lbs (if nto closer to 55) and i just feel like im in over my head....

My weight holds me back from so much...and im really learning to grow out of that...and be happy with myself, but i know that i will NEVER have a good relationship with a guy if i continue to feel the way that I do about myself now......i have a very strong personality, and frankly, the amount of self esteem i have about my looks will never attract the kind of guy that can deal with my personality (if that makes any sense, it does in my head)

The best part is that I finally have a REAL motivator...my sister just got engaged, and they are doing a late summer/early fall wedding......they just want to get their lives started together, and i feel like its finally a great motiavtor for me...i mean proms, i only let myself down...here, its their wedding photos if i look like crap! And im not saying that i want to lose the weight just for the wedding....its for much more than that, but still a great goal indeed!

So that's where I am.......desperately trying to pull myself back from this ledge i've been dangling on...im sick of saying, THIS is the time im finally going to do it......so for now, all im going to say is...

Right now, im doing it. Break it down piece by piece, and get it done.

Thanks for the encouregment, i could really use some!

50th post

2007-01-05T22:48:00.000-08:00

It's kind of nice to have such a nice round number for my first post of the year, especially when I'm finally starting to feel like I'm ready to put my energy back into this weight loss game, once and for all!

Here's the plan for the next ten days until I go back to school:
I want to try this "intiutive eating" that I've been reading so much about: eat what I want, but really listen to my body as to how much I want of everything... I've really pinpointed the fact that my major problem is how MUCH I eat... not that everything I eat is good for me, but for the most part, I know that the portions kill me...

I've been eating a lot of junk this last week (new years is a big thing for my family, its a whole russian tradition...) But since last weekend, I started eating crap and haven't been able to start... so now I'm done with that, and even though I probably gained a little bit from all that crap, I'm going to post 178 as my real weight... That's the number I'm starting off with, and we're making it my challenge number!

SO... the last day that I will be 18 ON is may 28th, as the 29th of May will by my 19th Birthday...

SO From 178 to 148, by May 28th, my last day being 18....wow, that a lot of 8's!

I know I can do this...this next week is just easing myself back into some good eating habits...

Cut down on portions
Drink lots of water
Cut out the sugar
Only fruit after 8
I'm going to do all this everyday...even though I'm going to visit my best friend for a few days...I don't care, I can do it!

I think a big part of why I always fall off the wagon is that I don't make a concrete plan...so here it is...148 by May 28th... and this "mini plan" for the rest of break... I know I can do it!

I also really do plan on getting back into the blogging world...I've updated my stats and plan on doing the same to my blogroll!

Have a good and "on plan" weekend everybody!! Talk to you soon!
-Milana

2006-12-16T13:13:00.000-08:00

Oh my, what a month it has been....I think I've felt every emotion under the sun...

My grandmother passed away very suddenly the weekend after thanksgiving... I'm still not sure if I've really grieved b/c I have been quite ok since it happened...maybe b/c we didn't have to watch her suffer, maybe b/c my father doesn't have so much stress on him now... I can't really put it into words, obv. no one is happy when such an integral member of the family passes away, but I've really been ok...I loved my grandmother dearly and plan to honor her memory and will miss her for the rest of my life...but I'm ok...

I met this guy who I've really started to like...I'm just so comfortable with him and am just getting to know him and we are enjoying ourselves...so we shall see where that will lead...

Compared to the beginning of the semester I've been soooooooo much happier, and I really hope that after being home for winter break, I can come back to school and have a much more organized start to the semester.... at the moment, except for one day, all my classes do start at 11:30 again, but I'm done earlier in the day...so no big gaps, which i am happy about...

and last but not least I am holding STEADY at 178-179! It has been great to break out of the 180's and I certainly plan on never seeing those numbers again! I do really plan to start hitting the gym again when I get home and make it a big part of my time when I get back to school next semester.... I'm ready to do this and do it right!

I'm done with school on Thursday, I just have one final monday night and one on Thursday...I'm not even worried about the Th. one, I just have to PASS the monday one...the next 2 days are going to be spent cramming! fun fun...

I want to wish all of you an amazing holiday season, and I hope that every single one of us take the time to look around and see everything that we have...I'm not wasting another day of my life living for tomorrow...after this past month I know that I want to make every single day special!

All my best,
Milana

bleh

2006-11-17T20:01:00.000-08:00

I really love how In the morning, I feel great and then that night (for no particular reason) I can look in the mirror and feel like a huge cow..........le sigh........

I'm so ready to do this right and get to feeling good about myself........I know I'm pretty...maybe I'm not "hot", but its damn ok........I'M the girl guys want to bring home to mom...and that's the way I like it :)

Starting Over...

2006-11-14T10:34:00.000-08:00

It's been almost a year since I started this blog...probbly about 11 months...and I've grown a lot as a person and had a lot of ups and downs with the whole weight loss issue...

I'm in a new environment now, and really trying to teach myself that its ok to love myself at any size...no will else is going to be able to love me unless I love myself... and I'm also trying to teach myself that I am beautiful, and that I'm worth it... I'm not going to let anyone put me down anymore...I'm done with that garbage!

this is where I recommit myself to this journey... I'm going to do it day by day and not look at the big picture anymore...its time to break this down and make it managable...I'd done with letting my weight rule my life

Here's to the rest of my healthy loving life :)

Never Really Gone...

2006-10-31T13:30:00.000-08:00

Hey All, How is everyone doing?
Please don't think I've disappeared...I really haven't, I've been here all along reading and wishing you all the best and seeing you go through the ups and downs that we all have been facing. The truth is that college has been a much harder mental adjustment than I ever thought it would be mentally....It's been a really tough 2 months....but I'd like to think that I'm much stronger mentally and emotionally....I mean everything happens for a reason right?

I was 186 when I left for school and I'm sitting at 181 now...I've been there for a few weeks. To be truthful I've had absolutly no energy to care about food or excercise...but I'm not eating too badly...the dining hall here has a ton of options and great hours....I've barely been eating out at all which is good and even though everyone on my floor loves to order food at all random hours of the day, I've only ordered 3 or 4 times. It's not too bad...the only real problems with food here are portion control in the dining hall, eating too much dessert (ie pudding AND a piece of cake) and not drinking enough water/ more soda than I ever did b/c the water in the dining hall tastes like chlorine!! Eh......but I've been trying to drink seltzer in the dining hall now, so that's working a little bit...

Other than that.....I've finally started to adjust a little more, I'm not as homesick....I just wish I could meet some solid friends.....everyone here is nice.......but I'm a gemini and we really do get emotionally attached.....so I feel like if I just made a few really good friends.....things would be alot better

I'm planning on starting a much better pattern in the next few days....So far today I ate some trail mix, a large salad at lunch w/ low cal dressing and not too much chicken on it...then a cone w/ 100 cal frozen yogurt on it.....

I've also been doing yoga and i did a 4 wk salsa class at the gym here at school....the awesome thing is that we have these really cheap classes (ie the salsa class was $5 for the whole month!)...so as soon as I stop making excuses and get my butt moving.....I think I'll be in good shape. Right now I've made a concrete goal and that is to be at 160 by the New Year. I'm making sure the holidays don't turn into an issue for me!

I'm so glad that I finally gave the mental energy to deal with all this again... I'll talk to you all soon......you're all in my thoughts!

-Milana

Collegeeeee

2006-08-27T15:07:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to explain why i've been MIA...

Right now, im cleaning and packing and doing all that not so fun but kinda exciting stuff such as shopping for all the miscellanious crap one doesn't realize they use in day to day life.

I move in in 5 days, but mostly everyones left for school but mine in this area, so i have a lot of time to myself to get ready, both physically and emotionally. Im scared but excited, and cant wait to just be there!

My schedule for classes is very nice, one that im happy with as soon as i switch some stuff around, and im also making sure that i will have time to workout, i heard there are great gyms.....lol i didnt even bother to go see them when i was there!

Other than that, today was my last day of work......i think that little factor will help ALOT in terms of the random snacking......candy, chips, too much soup, muffins....that i did only at work for the most part.

I haven't been too good....going out for lots of goodbye meals and such....plus i havent worked out since my membership ran out, but im not feeling guilty. Just looking forward to living a much healthier lifestyle in college then i did in hs. I really feel like this new enviornment will be much better for me.

OK all, next time i write, i will probably be at school!

179!

2006-08-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

YES!
After randomly deciding to weigh myself during the day (after eating lunch)....i was 179!

I'm going to try realllllly hard to not gain back the weight i lost while i was sick. I can't remember the last time i was below 180. It's got to be like...at least a year and a half ago. At least.

Only 9 more pounds to lose before I leave for school. I think i can do it!

And I will def. be back in the gym either tomorrow or sunday!

Still alive...barely :)

2006-08-03T18:14:00.000-07:00

So im still here, i've just been reallllly sick b/t an ear infection (2nd this summer, where as i haven't had any in a good 6 years before that) and said infection in my mouth causing mucho canker sores and whimpering everytime i needed to swallow or talk until today

other than that, im pretty sure i lost some weight, b/c all i've been eating since sunday was chicken soup, apple sauce, and some ice cream

i did however, graduate to bread yest. and ate half the loaf in the last two days :)

its ok though, tomorrow i will graduate back to most solids and will once again stay AWAY from the bread

i've also missed the gym...who knows, maybe 2m so that i at least get ONE workout in this week? that would be nice...

ohhh and i got my roomate's name, and she seems pretty nice. yay!

100 things about me

2006-07-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

Quite a bit copied from critter :)

1. I am addicted to shopping
2. I have one sister
3. I only wear silver or white gold jewelry
4. I own about 15 pairs of flip flops
5. I am very close to my parents and sister
6. I am Pro Choice
7. I spend too much time everyday reading blogs
8. I will watch almost any reality show
9. I secretly dream to be a size 6
10. I am scared I will never be in a single digit clothing size
11. I like Paris Hilton’s song Stars are Blind
12. I worry that I will always be the “fat girl”
13. I am a very paranoid person
14. I watch more MTV, TLC, VH1, and E! than any other channels
15. I am filled with useless celebrity info
16. I own way too many pairs of VS undies
17. My favorite TV show is Grey’s Anatomy
18. I cried when I watched the season finale...and I almost NEVER cry watching tv
19. I secretly want to become a interior designer and flip homes but I am afraid of failure
20.I haven't done a lot of things in life because I'm scared of failing
21. I went to the Bon Jovi concert last week
22. I hate my natural hair color
23. I have tortured my hair so much I am surprised I still have any
24. I talk too much
25. My favorite movie of all time is The Notebook
26. I suck at talking about myself in front of cute boys
27. I suck at talking to cute boys period
28. I am horrible at cleaning my room...it's dirty every other day
29. I am very controlling
30. I'm worried about never making enough money to support the lifestyle I want
31. I eat because I'm bored...all the time
32. I would love to be able to run in public for more than a block
33. I’m Team Aniston and Team Nick/Jessica
34. If my husband makes enough money for me to be a SAHM, I'd loved to do it for a few years
35. I've always wanted to be on MTV's Made for some sort of fitness thing but am too scared
36. I have 1 dog
37. I sometimes wonder how my life would have been different if I would have lost weight during High School
38. I always wished I was better friends with the kids who partied
39. I bit my nails until about two weeks ago and have no idea what finally made me stop
40. I have a guilty conscious
41. I get mad if someone doesn’t like me
42. I drive a mitsubishi galant
43. I worked 350 hours last summer to buy my car
44. I spent 7000$ on it and pay for my own car insurance and gas
45. I pay $1250 a year for insurance
46. I hate that I am going to my state university and feel like I settled
47. I didn't go the University of Maryland b/c I was scared of taking on loans this early in life
48. I'm scared shitless that I'm not going to make new friends in college
49. I want to party and go a little crazy in college
50. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life
51. I really want to do something where I'm going to make a lot of money
52. I'm scared that I'm never going to have a boyfriend
53. I want to have more than one
54. I'm scared that I'm going to get married and have kids late in life
55. I want to get married within the next 5-7 years
56. I am freaking out about living with a random roomate at college
57. I can't wait to move out of my house even though i get along well with my parents
58. I hate the fact that I have such a problem finding healthy food to eat
59. I wish my mom cooked better
60. I do partially blame my parents for being overweight b/c of my bad eating habits
61. I speak russian fluently
62. I was born outside of the U.S.
63. I love to travel
64. My favorite vacations were Cancun and Alaska
65. I want to live on the West Coast (Upper Cali or Oregon)
66. Otherwise I plan to stay in the east coast
67. I'm pretty sure that I will study abroad during college
68. I believe there is a pretty good chance that I will transfer schools
69. I'm planning to transfer unless I fall in love with Rutgers
70. I'm seriously considering going to law school, but only if I do extremely well on the LSAT's, thus being able to go to a top law school and make lots of money
71. I'm not ashamed of the fact that I want to make a lot of money
72. Despite sounding like a snob, I pay for most of my expenses and rarely spend more than 20-30$ on any single thing
73. I smoke weed once when i was 14 and LIKED it :)
74. I am addicted to smiley faces on AIM
75. Lately, I've been thinking to hell with it-I'm done being so self concious around guys
76. I have yet to put this thought to the test
77. I basically learned to drive in a week after i got my car
79. I honestly believe that I don't look as heavy as I am
80. I love my butt
81. I'm scared that there is a medical issue such as thyroid problems as to why I'm overweight
82. I love the fact that my dad is leaving for a week to go live with a spanish family in mexico to only speak spanish
83. I'm glad he's finally doing something for himself
84. I'm worried how my parents will cope with an empty nest
85. I plan to always have a dog in my life after i buy my own home
86. I can't wait to buy my own home
87. I was disgusted with the fact that the majority of the attention i got in cancun was from sleazy spanish men
88. I tend to get hit on by older russian men and am disgusted by it
89. I was shocked when i won a scholarship from my father's union since i wrote the essay the night before
90. I think the hottest i ever looked was at this year's prom...scroll down for pic in a few posts ago
91. My favorite colors are green and blue
92. I'm shocked that I got this done in about an hour
93. My sister and I are 5 and a half years apart
94. We fought all the time when we were younger and still do quite a bit
95. She fought a lot of my battles for me with my parents
96. Until I was 6, i was stick skinny
97. I gained probably close to 30 pounds in 2 years
98. And didn't realize it until 2 months ago when I was looking at pictures
99. I think that was also my parents fault that we didn't catch it, b/c i only went to the doctors when i needed paperwork filled out instead of yearly
100. I'm so happy that I'm trying to change the weight situation now instead of late in life, and fully expect to be at goal before my 19th birthday

101...... :) I honestly believe i will eat better and continously workout in college

I'm horrible at coming up with titles...

2006-07-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

Yay! Another succesful week of hitting the gym four times...and for at least an hour and half to two...it's nice when I have this kind of time to dedicate to myself and my body....The funny thing is that yesterday when I didn't work out, i felt quite lethargic...maybe im finally getting to the point where I have to do SOME KIND of workout everday? I would actually love that...

The food is getting better little by little.......While I'm not eating the right things or often enough at all.....im gravitating away from even WANTING the junk. I went to the store today to get something to eat (b/c there is no food in my house whatsoever) and I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted. I was going to get some kind of junk......i was like, oh i want either cake or cookies or something......but b/c I couldn't settle on one thing (as in there was nothing that I HAD to have) I ended up with some sushi and diet iced tea. It was a good feeling...

I'm kind of trying to find new things that I can eat......whether or not I have to buy them premade or cook it myself, either one is fine. I just can't eat my mother's cooking and blank out whenever I try to find something to make. So for the last few days, I either eat junk that I really don't even want but am just starving, or I only eat once a day when I go get a salad or sushi or something like that. I'm to the point that even when I go to get something to eat, I want healthy food. It's just not that easy to get lol!

Putting it all together

2006-07-25T20:48:00.000-07:00

So this is my second week of great exercising....4 days last week and twice so far this week, with another workout planned for tomorrow and friday.
Gold's has a couple of free training sessions when you sign up, and im a bit worried.
The stuff the trainer has me doing is so much lighter then i do by myself, so im wondering if when i work out......that im burning myself out and then thats why i quit after a few weeks? When i go to the gym i spend b/t an hr and a half to two there each time....about 30-40 mins cardio (split between bike and eliptical) and the rest on free weights/machine weights/stretching and abs on ball, ab roller etc.
I really do think i push myself harder when i workout on my own, but it hasn't really made a difference. Maybe right now i just need to work on finding a good medium, and finding a way in which i don't make myself feel that i have to do EVERYTHING every time i work out. My trainer has shown me a lot of new stuff, so i just need to break it down to two or three routines i can rotate.....that way when the weight starts dropping, there will be a place for me to work harder, where i won't need to spend 3 or 4 hrs there to get a good workout!

In addition, the food is still horrible, but what worries me is that i dont really seem to care.
I think the worst part is that i dont get out of my house until 2 or 3 everyday, where im either off to work or the gym. I sleep till about 11 (i know, lazy but hey its my last summer before college!) then watch tv and go online, and eat some kind of junk which then throws the rest of my day off. I think if i started the day off nutriously, it would carry on.
I'm also going to start going back to drinking less crap and more water. I was doing quite well and then just got lazy, b/c i do need to think about it to actually do it.

Right now, its all about getting the pieces right and letting it happen gradually. I think my friend (who lost about 40 pounds) is right.......just do it, don't overanalyze and worry about it, just do it.

So here's the plan for the rest of the summer:

-Start getting up and doing things instead of wasting time: ie, cleaning out all the crap in my room before i leave for school little by little, and maybe mix up gym time with some time at the park
-Plan out the hanging out for city/beach/six flags/see everyone going to dif. schools
-Continue working out 4 times a week- but break it down into a few routines to rotate and not overwork myself
-Look into a pilates or yoga class
-Drink more water and cut down on the diet coke...which i still only drink at work really, but more than i need to
-Conciously work on eating better
-Find a creative outlet that i can continue once i get to school

Loving the summer!

2006-07-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

I've basically been working and hanging out, sleeping late, and enjoying my last summer before college :)

Spending lots of money on dorm stuff is fun!

I made it to the gym 4 times this week, which i am very happy to report.

The eating has been horrendous, so that's another story, but im just doing it all one piece at a time, and this time-

its really going to happen!

Back on the wagon...

2006-07-16T15:03:00.000-07:00

So I haven't posted in a few weeks...

I went on vaca to Cancun...had an absolute blast going to all the clubs, meeting some great people, relaxing, and hanging out with my best friend in the world, who i don't get to see too often. It was just an awesome trip. I ate pretty well.......it was all inclusive, but i stuck to healthy food and didn't really eat a lot of sweets.....all the stuff on the islands isn't too sweet, its all fresh, and with all the dancing and everything, i actually managed to loose some weight!

However since i've been home for a bit over a week, i've been doing a lot of nothing with some work on the side. I realized that when i sit at home, i sleep and eat, and thats about it lol. So I went to Gold's and signed a new contract for a month, and got my butt back to the gym!

I plan to use that to full advantage, after that i'll have about 3 weeks left here at home before i leave for school. During those couple of weeks, instead of wasting another 80$ for only 2 weeks to workout, im going to go to the fitness room at my community center. I can do my cardio there, and they have some weights. It'll be limited, but better than nothing!

Starting Sept. 2nd, ill be away at school, and there are gyms on every campus! So all in all, now its just time to settle into a routine that i will stick to when i get to school.

I went to the doctor for my shots before i start school, and i weighted in at 187 on their scale. I'll take that as my current weight, even though basically im the same since December, my body looks completely different so its quite odd. I'd like to break 170 before i leave for school. I have six weeks to lose 17 lbs, and i think its quite possible.

I'm glad to be back!

Cancun!

2006-06-25T08:17:00.000-07:00

Yay! I'm leaving for 11 days tomorrow morning for cancun!

I'm excited.

I know i haven't really been around...i've been reading but not doing much myself, and i don't like to fake it lol. However, i've been doing a lot of thinking, and i'm really not happy with the fact that i held a lot back in high school because of the extra weight. I don't want to go to college and lose the weight there....i dont want to be " that girl who lost 50 pounds". I want to be the confident hot girl!

As soon as i get back from vaca, (where i do plan to do a lot of walking to make up for the food) im hitting the gym and am completely on plan. I do think I can prob lose at least 20 pounds in 9 weeks.

The guy that i went to senior prom with last year lost a tooooooooon of weight that year, but i haven't seen him since last summer and just saw new pictures. I'm going to eyeball it at prob at least a 120 pounds. He looks fantastic! What motivation for me :)

I'm graduating...

2006-06-14T19:17:00.000-07:00

From high school today. I can't believe it.

We have graduation early this year, so it hasn't really hit me until the last few days.

Not to be modest, but i've been pretty succesful in high school. I may have not been in the top ten, but i was involved, had great grades, and i like to say i was pretty well liked.

I'm scared about what's to come......im not bad with change, but im scared shitless of failing. And that's what i worry about come september. I'm worried that im going to get lost in the shuffle, and not suceed.

Happy Birthday to me!

2006-05-29T17:55:00.000-07:00

Today is my 18th birthday, which means I'm legal, and can now be charged as an adult if i go to jail lol!

While I may not be the weight i want to be, i have lost some weight, have started to develop MUCH better habits, am more aware of what i eat and should (or should not lol! be eating, but most importantly.......

Mentally, the last six months have helped me so much. I am so much happier with myself, and am learning how to become a better person both inside and out. I've accepted that when things do click, it will be for me and no one else. I look forward to that. I'm working on getting myself to a much healthier place, and i know that it will come it time. When i am ready to let go of this mental block which keeps me eating and not working out like i should, then i will achieve my goal.

Here's to another great 12 months, which new school new friends and new memories to come! This IS the first day of a new life!

Junior & Senior Prom 05 comparison Prom 06

2006-05-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

Finding my way back to the wagon...

2006-05-21T16:04:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I've updated. I've just been stressed out with so much to do, and so tired of trying to pull myself back on the wagon that I decided I just needed some time off from constantly thinking about what i should and shouldn't eat, not paying any attention to that, and just all around being frustrated. The weird thing is that i KNOW things are changing because of the way my clothes fit and my sizes change, but the numbers on the scale just don't, and then i get so freaked out b/c i just don't know what the fuck is going on.

Prom was this thursday and I had the time of my life. It was really really fun, and the best part......i wore a size 10 dress! I admit a tight size ten, but still my goal was a 9/10. In all honestly, idk...the dress i was originally supposed to wear was a 12 but it fit perfectly and it was a Jessica McKlinton size 12, and everyone says you're supposed to go up a couple of sizes in her dress just b/c they're so odd.......and i did try on 11's, 12's, 13's when i was trying different dresses on, but the one i wore was a 10 damn it! That made me happy, especially since i wore a size 8 shirt from H&M which didn't fit when i bought it a month and a half ago, and a bathing suit i bought during the winter now looks good. So My body is changing, but its def. time to commit myself to this 110%, and start seeing a change on that scale. I def. let myself get away with eating too much junk and not working out enough. I'm never going to lose this 50 lbs (estimating) that I want to lose to get to my goal of 135.

This weekend, i drank and ate so much junk, but im not at all annoyed with myself. I knew i was going to do it, and i decided that i wasn't going to stress long before i started. I mean, who goes to the shore for the weekend to get drunk with the rest of their class and doesn't? It was more then worth it...

Class trip to Virginia Beach is in ten days, my birthday is in eight, and Cancun is in just a little over a month. So I've decided that my goal is to be at 170 before Cancun. I think that I can lose about 15 lbs, I really do. I have this quiet resolve in myself right now, and its making me really happy. I'm just going to do this full tilt...eat right, workout, and make myself happy. Even with prom, I felt like i looked great, but the pictures themselves im not that happy with, so i do think that the camera adds extra weight, so I just want to be sure that when I look back at Cancun pictures, im happy. When I get back from vaca, I've got just about 2 months until college, and I do expect to do a lot of working out, and eating right, and just living healthy, so I expect to get quite close to goal before school. I plan to be at 135 by Thanksgiving of this year. I know i can do it.

A lot of stuff is going on right now, with this being the end of my senior year...i've got a lot of good stuff going on, but also a bunch of final projects. However, instead of freaking out and stressing, I'm going to turn towards being calmer and putting myself in a better place mentally.

Off to get some work done and plan my meals out for 2m. I think by doing this just day by day, it should help a lot.

Sending out getting skinny for summer vibes to everyone!

27 days till I'm legal!

2006-05-02T12:02:00.000-07:00

Yay on the title :)

Last week and the week before were really good, but since Saturday, this have been a bit...bumpy. I won't say that I've fallen off the wagon alltogether, but I've been indulging.......a corn muffin or two, a bagel and a half this morning....some bread w/ cavier and stuffed biscuit things at a family party, and some cake.....its just been too much bad stuff! Plus yesterday, that I though that I was fully back on the wagon, but then at work i just ate too much stuff......not even bad, but i wasn't hungry just bored! Do you have any idea how hard it is to be around food when there's nothing to do??? lol...So yup, a corn muffin, a banana, a cup of beef noodle soup, and two handfuls of chips that i really didn't want...

Oh well.... So i had a free bagel and a half this morning, but then i wasn't hungry during lunch, so i had an iced coffee and a banana. Now, I'm off to the gym! Once i go three times this week, I've hit that 21 days to form a habit! Yay!

I'm just really happy that these 3 days or so didn't completely throw me off. PLUS i tried on a pair of capris last week which i can now pull off easily w/o even unzipping or unbottoning, and another pair that now fit me perfectly, where last year they were skin tight and did that weird bulging thing around my thighs w/ extra material around the summer......and my prom dress just keeps looking better and better on me! I'm going to do comparison shots of prom last year and this year, b/c i think i look pretty different.....

okay off to the volleyball game at school and then the gym!

Loving the weather! High 60's and low 70's all week!

59 days and Counting...

2006-04-27T19:26:00.000-07:00

Yep, 59 days until Cancun. I'm so excited...its going to be a lot of fun, at least i hope and expect it will :)

So I just enrolled at Rutgers. Its done- w/e. In the end, I only committed to a year for my parents, if I don't LOVE it, I'm trasferring. I plan to reapply to Maryland, and a school of two up in Boston. No more than 3 tops.

On the diet front, things have been going good. I started exercising again consistently last week- light weights and 40 mins walks 3 times. This week, I did heavy sessions at the gym twice, and I've been doing weights for the arms at home all week. I've also decided that I will be running a 5k in the fall (wow, me running, who would've thought?!) I'm starting slowly...I did a mile on the treadmill at the gym last night, mostly walking, but not b/c of the fact that I was out of breath like usual........the fitness level is def. up there, but its hard for me to run b/c I get horrible shin splints! They hurt like a bitch!

I'm going to work my way up to running the full 3.1 miles on the treadmill, and then ill be doing it outside, since i know that's much tougher. I'm going to do it tho, def.

Let's see what else? Food has been good....I'm eating in the morning, and then continuing with small portions during the day. Right now, the hardest thing for me has been to keep staying away from dif drinks and getting in enough water. I'm not up to the 64 oz a day......When i have the water in front of me, its not hard tho, so im going to go load up this weekend. In general, with senior year coming to its end, i dont have a lot of extra work, so I've had the time to relax, workout, and sleep. Wow, I've been getting so much extra sleep! Its awesome :)

I've also read something online that I think will help me....I'm not concentrating on numbers right now, but I have decided that I will be at my goal weight when I am a size 7/8. That's where I want my body to be, and im happy with whatever weight I'm at. I'll still be weighing myself, but right now I look totally different and I'm still at 186 (as of Sunday).

The weird thing is that I think I grew an inch :)

So that's the news........I hope things keep going this well. I'm so looking forward to things if they keep going this well.

25 pounds in 2.5 months?!

2006-04-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

I've been away.......not literally but mentally, just trying to get a handle on my life. I've decided that I'm most likely going to go to college @ Rutgers....that will put me at an hour away from my hometown and the parental units, 5 mins from my sister (yay!) and hopefully not in the same dorm building as anyone i graduated with.

It was really hard for me to make this decision. I don't want to be one of those stereotypical kids who falls in the "everyone from here goes to rutgers" While I would love love LOVE to go to maryland, an extra 12K a year just ain't worth it. I'll be happy at Rutgers, I'll be close to the fam, and hell, i can always transfer. Plus, I would love to go to grad school down in actual DC in 4 years.

Temple is still an option tho, if they offer me more $ from just the business school itself- then i can't pass it down. Less than RU money wise, honors program and AWESOME dorm, a free labtop.......if only it wasn't in the middle of Philly.....

I've got two weeks to make a final decision......any suggestion would be lovely :) I wish i had a gut feeling to go on, but right now, I really don't.

ANYWAY...........diet news......

the 2weeks-ish the parentals were away, i did a lot of thinking. And eating, but that's a side matter :)

I want this more than anything i ever wanted before. I want to look good, be happy, be healthy, and not have to worry about it anymore. The crap that I will cut out of my life, the good stuff (food and excercise that i add in) will only make it better, and hell, once i get to maintanence, well.......everything in moderation is allowed.

So the goals are this:

I want to be 160 lbs by Cancun (June 26th) I don't know if it's possible, but when I'm 100% on goal, I do pretty well, so as long as I work hard from here on out, I will be HAPPY with whatever weight I am when i go.

I will be 145 by my cousin's wedding in Sept. I want to look hot for all the cute boys :)

Goal and at least a month+ of maintaining by Thanksgiving 06! (Which is also pep rally, where all the graduated senior of the spring come back! I'm going to look dammmmmmmn good!)

I CAN DO THIS!

Growing up

2006-03-26T16:39:00.000-08:00

Back to blogger....

Let's see.................D.C. was absolutly fantastic! I loved it even more than ever and was able to take the metro out to the University of Maryland, which was amazing. It's a beautiful school, all green grass and lots of large old buildings. Dorms leave much to be desired, but what else could I possible expect?

I've also been to Temple and Rutgers in the last week, so now I only have Towson left to see, and I will probably go to U Maryland when I'm down there again! God, I can't beleive that I have to decide where I'm going to school w/in the next month!

Diet wise and march madness have not been as sucessful as i would like. Let's see, the first half of D.C. I was great with the good + lots of walking....then the last couple of days i ate a lot of candy and just not that great in general.....and then the last week that i've been home i've basically eaten whatever and everything i could possibly want. Part of it's stress w/ all this college stuff, other times its just frustration and boredom.

The good news is that with all this junk, i've only gained a pound. The bad news is that while i had lost some inches, i'm still basically sitting at the same weight that i've been at since.......oh i don't know, January?! In total, I've only dropped 6 pounds! This makes me very.........annoyed. It's like, while i know im not doing everything that i need to be doing to lose the weight, i still feel like im thinking about it all the time, and so my mind plays tricks on me and is like....wellllllll you're trying to lose weight, its just not working.

I know for a fact that it's because im not consistent. Sometimes i work out, lots of times i don't. I eat out too much, and im still eating too much crap in general.

I know that these last couple of months have been important b/c even though the scale hasn't been moving all that much, mentally, lots has been going on. I know what works for me, and what doesn't. I know it's a journey, not a race. I know this isn't a diet, but a lifestyle change. I know that i feel BETTER when i eat right and excercise, but most importantly, I know that just because today was bad, doesn't mean its over.

I need to set some realistic goals(timeline) and rewards.
I need to find a plan that works for me, and i need to dedicate some time to it.
I need to realize that in the long run, this extra time and effort is MORE than worth it.
I need to do this now, for myself and for no one else.

I'm determined to do this- do it the right way, and find myself. I'm growing up, i'm changing, and it's ok. It's time for me to move on- to leave my childhood behind, and start making some real decisions and take some real responsibilites.

Sometimes it scares me that i want this so badly. I don't want to fail- and i've given up on a lot of things in life b/c i refuse to fail. I'd rather not try than fail. But this time, I'm not leaving myself either option. It's going to happen- I just know it. Maybe it won't happen by the time I want it to, but it will happen one day soon. Not ten or twenty years from now, but one day soon.

D.C.!

2006-03-12T18:06:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow, bright and early, I will be in school at 6:30 a.m. for the coach bus to D.C.

I'm really excited! I went last year, but I didn't really know what to expect and didn't get to see everything that I wanted to. This time, my research is limited to one day (evil evil me :) ) and i am so planning to site see the rest of the week!

I have no way to excercise, but with all the walking we do, I'm not worried. Plus I didn't buy any snacks for the hotel room this time, and I am bringing a ton of water bottles with me b/c im cheap, and I'm looking foward to eating healthy all week.

I finally also bout a memory card for my camera so there will be pictures when i get back, if i can figure out how to upload them:)

Have a good week ladies...I'll be back Friday afternoon, but am going to Philly Saturday to look at schools, and am working Sunday morning, and will be exhausted Sunday afternoon, plus making up work at school all next week...I'm not exactly sure when I'll be back online, but don't worry, I will!

Perfect day

2006-03-08T19:50:00.000-08:00

I think I can honestly say that today was my first perfect day in over a month.

Food:

B: plain yogurt w/ cinnamon and strawberries

S:Cashews(kinda w/ breakfast tho lol i was really full)

L: Breaded chicken pieces (this was the only semi-bad thing)

S: Banana

D: 4 sm. turkey meatballs and a piece of chicken w/ a sliced tomato

I had 3 bottles of 17 oz water, a bottle of diet snapple iced tea, and a medium iced coffee w/ cream and splenda

NO SWEETS OR BREAD! I finally made it through a day without either of the evils. I feel like i can live with this...

Plus i had an amazinnnngggg workout, so im at 2 this wk with another planned for friday and saturday afternoon. Hopefully I will hit my goal of 4 this week.

I'm feeling good, and will be doing weigh in Sunday since im leaving monday for D.C. for the week :)

3/4 and 3/5

2006-03-05T17:36:00.000-08:00

After another drama filled day at work yesterday, i was really tired, but still definitly wanted to go to they gym. I'm glad i went, because it was a fantastic workout. Today, i went again, and had another good workout. The only thing im worried about is that i'll get too bored of doing the same things, and that my body will get too used to it. Plus, i feel like i never have a set routine b/c i always forget how many sets i do/how much weight i use.
While the workouts have been good since march madness started, and the food not bad, i'm not sure if im going to see a loss for this short week tomorrow morning. I'm still eating too much sweet stuff.
say la vi.

New sneakers :)

2006-03-03T20:05:00.000-08:00

I went to DSW tonight with my mom, and we got lucky. They had just marked down everything on clearance, so i actually managed to get three adorable pairs of shoes. I got a pair of nice sneakers (w/ mesh for the summer) a pair of adorable flats that are pink and cream with a design that's way too hard to describe, and a pair of awesome chinese laundry sandals for $10. But....
I also got a pair of awesome comfy Adidas sneakers for $50. Not bad at all, and they will last for a long time. For some reason, i can't seem to remember the last time i bought real nice sneakers, which will probably mean never. I think the last couple of years i bought those nice kinds like pumas, ect to wear to school. Workout-esc ones were always from payless or something.
I was too tired to work out today and just kinda chilled out after school and made follow up calls for DC, and it was 5 by the time i was done so i did nothing. Food wasn't bad except for a cookies and cream bar and the frosting off a cupcake.....oh and two cookies. Ok, so it was bad. I swear to god, i can get rid of salt, bread for the most part, ect...but then i get this sweet tooth from nowhere! I've also realized that im getting a little worried b/c i never want to eat anything at home anymore. Not that I've ever really enjoyed my mom's cooking, but im never going to lose weight if i eat out every day, no matter how many salads i get. So i think im going to start making some food myself. Any suggestions?
I've decided that I'm going to take my stuff for the gym with me to work and go right from there. I'll be tired, but i want to make sure to get in two workouts since Wed. for this week, since March Madness started. Or else I'll really be disgusted with myself...
I'm determined to get back into full swing here folks. Mind over matter, one small step at a time.

March Madness!

2006-03-01T15:46:00.000-08:00

So Snackiepoo and I have officially began March madness, and today is the day that i officially recommit myself! Today wasn't even that bad actually. I'd say that i was at about 80-85% good with food, AND im going to the gym in half an hour. I haven't worked out in 12 days (oh LORD) but that's never happening again. It was just a combination of me being away, busy, and TIRED. I'm really looking forward to starting again, especially because from here on in, i shouldn't have too much work going on school wise.
I need some help here with two things.
First: I need new gym sneakers. I have flat feet, so they can't have a super curve in them, or they will kill me. Also, i want cheap but good shoes that will last me for a while. I wear them to the gym and to work. Like, i don't want to spend more than 60$ on them, even less if possible (I'm telling you, im really cheap with all shoes, but i love 'em!)
Second: Lately, even though i haven't been excersicing as much, I AM eating better in general. I've completely cut out almost all cookies/gummy candy stuff/chips but now I LOVE chocolate. I was never this bad when i ate everything else, so i don't know why this started to happen. I have figured out though that if i have dark chocolate, i can't eat the entire thing, which is good.
I offically restarted today at 184.5. That's kinda what i've been fluctuating to between 181-192. However, i do feel like im more mentally prepared now then i was when i first started this.
The plan for the rest of the week....month....year...life....is eat less, move more obv.
I'm working out tonight, tomorrow if work closes b/c of the weather, ill work out at home, and hopefully friday. Maybe saturday, but saturday is hard b/c work is a workout in itself.
Next week i will look to workout at least 4 times, which shouldn't be hard, b/c of state testing school starts really late tues-friday.
The week after THAT will be hard, as i'll be in DC mon-friday and looking at schools on Saturday. I won't be able to workout at all, so i will just have to CHUG water and really really really watch my food. I don't think it will be that bad though, and we walk EVERYWHERE. Hopefully i will just maintain.
Ok, off to get ready for the gym. I'm actually looking forward to it :)

EEEKKK!

2006-02-27T20:34:00.000-08:00

I think I'm going to Cancun in July with my best friend, her verrrry cute cousin, and maybe some others. That means that I have less than 5 months to get in shape!!!

Uh, i think tomorrow starts back on plan 110%! I thinking that as much as i would like to be at goal (~50 lbs) that's not going to happen, so im determined to lose AT LEAST another 35 to be at 150. I know that's what i said i wanted to be at by my birthday, but obstacles just keep showing up. Maybe we should say 145 by Cancun? Almost at goal, and then ill tackle those last 10 before college? Idk, i need feedback here people!!

In other news, i've been mulling things over, and think that I'm "starting over" on March 1st, and this seems to be the perfectttt catalyst for that. I mean, i've been online for almost three months, and feel like I'm honestly almost still the same exact weight. So I'd rather start fresh at 185, and know that that's really where i committed myself, instead of feeling like i've been going nowhere fast in the last 3+ months. So March 1st, we start with the first official weigh in, and clean clean eating, with a target range 0f 3-5 workouts a week, hopefully closer to the five. I'm also going to look at some different workouts, so i don't get bored so easily. I found out that there's a yoga class on weds. i can go to, then my biggest loser workout, plus the always faithful gym. Here's to falling off the wagon and always climbing right back on, with lots of lessons learned in between.

I've now realized a very simple mantra, taken from the genius Snackiepoo...i have no idea how to link, so sry about that, but she's on my blogroll...

Eat less, move more. Simplify things.
That's it.

I'm still here...and for the long haul :)

2006-02-22T18:35:00.000-08:00

I've been away for a few days, i went to stay at my grandparents and i finally got to see my best friend who i haven't seen since the summer.

In general for the last week...food has been bad. Not with a CAPITAL BAD, but not good. I've just been eating a lot of junk, but not in huge quantities at all. In general, i haven't even been eating a lot of food at all....i just can't, which is a GOOD thing, but yet i feel like im still reaching for the same amount of food.....it's really been hard to adjust. Like, I'm still trying to eat the same amount of food as i ate before, even if it isn't bad food, but my stomach just refuses to accept it. That means that in general, i've been feeling a lot fuller when i eat, and not in a good way. I'm hoping my brain is finally starting to make the connection to my stomach that i don't need as much, and GOD FORBID i take a smaller portion, i can always get more food later. It's not like i can't go hungry for a little while or i can't go back and get more. But really this is happening all the time lately- but then again, im not sure if it really is happening, or im just eating little (bad) snacks here and there, and still eating just as much overall.
I worked out thursday night and friday i went to the gym, and saturday i had work which was physically and mentally exhausting b/c i found out that morning that i got into Uof Maryland (yay!) but then i found out that i didn't get into the scholars program and my best friend did. I mean i love her, but there's always been some competition between us. I've already filled out the application for the waitlist, so hopefully i will get into that when all the REALLY smart people go to different schools. Sunday-Tuesday i was away......this was where i didn't eat a lot of food at all, but when i did......not healthy. woops. Today was the first day back at school and food was ehh...i had 2 granola bars in the morning w/ water, and avoided all candy being sold in class. For lunch, i had 2 wendy's chnx nugget things off the dollar menu and i ordered fries, but i COULDN'T eat them. My stomach refused! Then after school, i had an apple w/ peanut butter (yay!) and at work i did have some candy and the top of a muffin. I guess that was really the only bad stuff......so not that bad. For dinner i had a chnx salad scoop, and i ordered a side ceaser with it, but once again COULDN'T eat it. Water wasn't great, three bottles of water (small) but better than the last few days. However, i haven't excerisced while i was away, and won't be able to tonight after work or tomorrow due to school stuff that i avoided over break. I'm pretty sure that the earliest i'll DEF. be able to work out is saturday b/c i have work friday afternoon, and then sat morning, so that even depends on how tired i am. If anything, well, life got in the way, and ill workout sunday morning. That's more than a week with nothing- something i haven't done in probably almost 6 weeks. I've never been able to say that before. {I just realized how much walking i did in the city on monday, so maybe that will save grace a teeny tiny bit}
In general, since i missed weigh in and FEEL like i probabely gained a few pounds back w/ the crappy eating, since i fluctuate so quickly, im not doing a weigh in this week. Hell, maybe not even next week. Mentally, i CAN'T afford to see a gain on the scales right now, so i'd just rather not weigh in at all. I'm also thinking that just b/c all that crappy food made me feel kinda blah im gonna go on a mini detox until sunday when we're going to a birthday dinner. So that will be three days with nothing but water, no processed foods at all, and no bready products. I REALLY need this- but i don't feel like im limiting myself- i don't feel like im forcing myself. It's something i want to do right now.
Oh well, we shall see how long this idea sticks tomorrow...lol.
I'm still looking for motivation especially when it feels like i fall off the wagon so often. I found some when i happened to glance at my horoscope while at work...

"As a typical gemini, you tend to have sensitive nerves. Now that Mars is in your sign, you'll have energy to spare. To keep it from turning into tension, you'll need an outlet, so head to the gym. This is a perfect time for Mars to rev you up: you've already begun a trend for improving your health, os you can double your progress."

I felt like this was all so true! I have been feeling a lot of tension and nervous energy....college decisions, boy feelings, ect....how odd to see what i was feeling in writing!

Once again, thanks to all for commenting. I know this blog is for me, but it's always GREAT to see that i have a support system who are all going through the same thing. My family is great, but they just aren't here for me the way i need them to be. So please, just keep the comments coming. In some strange way, knowing you guys care makes ME care more.

Happy hump day!
-milana

Short and Sweet

2006-02-16T21:31:00.000-08:00

Oh yes, sweet would be the right word. That's what i ate today. This morning was the senior breakfast, and I had a small danish AND the cream and bottom layer of a boston cream (basically i just didn't eat the chocolate top.) Then after lunch, I had two reese's chocolate cookies, plus a couple of chocolate covered cherries at work. Other than that, i had a sand. at lunch, cup soup and a banana for snacks, and dinner was turkey burger w/ ceaser......but i split fries w/ the other girl. So today was most def. my pig out day. (Nowhere near as bad as when i first started this whole thing though!) The thing im most proud of is that i still went and did my biggest loser workout. Maybe not as sucessful........i did a lot of the side step thingy, my quads just weren't cooperating. I'm not going to Maryland, so this means no way-in until monday. I'm def going to make sure that there's a nice loss this week! Now, im off to sleep b/c i've got no school 2m!

Today

2006-02-15T20:02:00.000-08:00

So today was ok. I think I overindugled a little food wise because i was bored, and i didn't work out. I drank only water, but not enough. I had a 24 oz bottle, and then aother 16 or 18 oz bottle, but I didn't drink any after 2 o'clock today. I've noticed that If i don't try and have a bottle of water around, i won't drink it. Instead, i had this sago tea strawberry shakeish thing, which i now remembered why i don't like it! It was wayyy too sweet.

I feel like i ate a lot today.

B: 2 of these things my mom made....they're the pillsbury biscuit things, stuffed w/ cabbage and mushrooms. Not really breakfast food lol, but my mom makes them twice a year, so im not feeling guilty about that.
S: granola bar and cheese stick
L:Chicken parm w/ vodka sauce wrap. Tasted amazing, but i don't even WANT to think about the calories.
S: another 2 biscuits, and some sf/ff pudding
S:The strawberry shake thingy, which i didn't finish...it just wasn't good
D: some cheese w/ garden veggies on 1 pc. dark russian bread, w/ some type of russian deli meat and mustard

So yea....i think a lot of the food today was just too...over processed and not really good for me lol. I didn't necessarily eat junk...but not very healthy. Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully i can be extra healthy, and since i don't have school friday, i can work out after work.

Monday 2/13/06

2006-02-14T13:34:00.000-08:00

Yay! 181.5! I am so going to be under 180 next week! I haven't seen those numbers for a long time :) So I've officially lost the first ten pounds, which were mentally a lot harder than I expected, but I feel so much better now. The portions have def. been smaller, I've been trying to incorporate the excercise as often as possible, and the best thing is that if I'm craving something bad, I'll let myself have some, but not go CRAZY. Like right now, im craving some valentine's day treats, so only AFTER my workout, i will stop by the walgreen's and get myself something small and yummy.
Things have been going good overall the last couple of days, I've been avoiding the crazy scale, and I feel alot better after all that rest from when i got sick. Now I'm just looking forward to losing the next ten (technically 11.5) so I can start looking fora prom dress!

**Edit
Just a quick update:
I've decided that since I'm planning on going away this weekend from Friday morning to Sunday night, I don't want to come back and weigh myself the next morning, so I will Friday morning before I leave, and then Monday to see the damage. I'm still planning to work out before i leave and eat carefully all week, so I'm planning to get into the 170's!
ALSO: I made it through two mental blocks today after my first entry. I went to the gym and switched my bike cardio for 15 mins to my first thing, then did weight/abs/ect THEN i was like " I really don't want to do the eliptical...im tired...i was planning to be home already and the damn traffic cut me short"...but I FORCED myself on the damn thing and told myself how good I was going to feel. And after i did that, my ipod died almost immediatly, but i kept going! AND i did more than the 20 mins i had set b/c i wanted to make sure to burn at least 200 calories, no matter that it took longer than 20 mins. So i really felt fantastic after the workout.
The second awesome thing that happened was that when i went to get myself my treat, all the leftover candy wasn't on sale yet, but i realllllllllly wanted chocolate since i was planning on it and its TOM. So, I'm standing there looking at all the "bad" stuff which is on sale and im like, NOOO must resist, must resist! Then i see lindt dark chocolate on sale....I literally stood there for 10 mins trying to convince myself to just take the dark chocolate and that's it! AND after 10 mins, i finally did it, and walked away with nothing else. Plus, I only had half the serving b/c its 4 blocks of the chocolate, and they're huge! It was VERY good though, i see now why everyone says dark chocolate is so much better than the other crap. You really do appreciate it once you cut out all the other crap.
So it was really a good day. Except for some pretzels and half a bagel, i ate and drank awesome stuff. And the bagel and pretzels were accounted for, burned off, and limited, so I am a happy happy girl. It's ten o'clock, but I'm tired and all that extra sleep last week did wonders, so I'm going to try and continue that. Later!

Haha the Irony...

2006-02-12T21:01:00.000-08:00

So, i think the NIGHT, or the day after my last post, not sure when it was.......i got SO sick. Basically, i got the NASTY crazy virus that's going around. I threw up and everything. So that was pretty insane... I stayed home on thursday, and friday, i could've gone to school, but it was a friday, i was still tired (even though i slept for 16 hrs on thursday) and just thought it was better to stay at home. Saturday, i went to work in the morning, where i felt kinda woozy, and after work i came home after running some errands and hibernated all night and today because of the CRAZY snowstorm. We got about 18 inches i think.......thank god for our neighbor who has a snow blower and almost ALWAYS cleans a major part for us......as much of the driveway as he can, and all the sidewalk, which wraps around the front and side of the house (we live on the corner).
So, I dropped a couple of pounds being sick w/ the dehydration and stuff, but on top of that, all weekend, i've realized that even though i feel fine, my appetite def. hasn't come back. I mean i want to eat, but a lot LESS than ever. I'm not complaining though, its good. Hopefully it will just push the weightloss, as long as i make sure i still eat enough of all the good stuff.
I'm still going with the weight loss, i had an awesome workout RIGHT before i got really sick wed night, so that was odd. I'm going to stick to working out 3-4 times a week at the moment, and eating right and drinking lots of water. I wish i could get an extra burst of motivation right now. I know that im developing better habits, but still nothing extreme to the point where i feel like im seeing definite results. I'm still yo-yo bouncing a loss or a gain of a couple of pounds in each direction, which means that im still stuck in the mid 180's. It's just really weird, but i hate the fact that im finding it so hard for me to set a more restrictive way right now. Then again, i feel like if i don't, im never going to see the results i want. So its like, im working out (kinda) and eating right (kinda) so even though i feel like im doing what i need to do, im really not, and thats why im not seeing the results i want. I hope that getting this out here will help me realize that setting a better and more rigorous plan will give me the results that i want, and it will give me the motivation and willpower to stick to that plan. Right now, my goal is still to hit 150 before my 18th birthday. That means that i have just about 3 1/2 months to lose 35 lbs. Is that possible? I don't even know, or even know if its healthy. I do however realize that for my body, it's not an unhealthy as it would be for someone else, just because at this age, i should be able to lose more than a lb or two a week. However let's see...2 lbs a week for 13 weeks is is 26 lbs...so not that bad...maybe ill change that goal to 155 by my birthday, and then the last 20 lbs sometime during the summer. We shall see...

It's been a while...

2006-02-07T14:48:00.000-08:00

I know it's been almost two weeks. I don't know why....things that have been going on and annoying me. It's gotten alot harder...not the excercising, though that hasn't been anywhere near good either......but the food. OMG the food. I've eaten basically anything and everything that I've wanted. I can't take it anymore. I'm literally crying these days because all i want is for this to stop. It's all i think about. What im going to eat, when im going to eat, how tomorrow's a new day and im starting over. I don't want to give up, i really don't, but this scares me. Losing the weight should be a part of my life, but not the only thing i think about.
The willpower is basically gone. I don't know where it went, but i want my muse back. It's like on the one hand, i bought new workout clothes and new workout gear, but on the other hand i just keep stuffing my face with food. Any yes, i know that im getting my period, so the mood swings haven't been helping. I was acting like a crazy bitch all weekend, but the last two days have been better. However, its still not here, and i missed it last month, which is quite normal for me too. I have the craziest period in the world, which is just another thing that makes me want to cry.
I feel like on top of everything, all i keep hearing about is anorexic girls and bulimic girls. I swear to god, something comes up about eating disorders every single DAMN day of my life. In fact, as much as i don't actually want to admit this...i tried to make myself throw up this afternoon. I had a huge binge, and i panicked. It didn't happen.......i've tried a couple of times over the last couple of years, and its never worked, which i guess is a good thing in itself. It's not like i think becoming a bulimic is the answer.......no matter how damn skinny i would get at any point, i wouldn't be healthy. And that's all i really want, is to be healthy. I don't know why its so hard.
I'm not going to let myself go down that path. It won't happen, and i think somehow, i knew that, and thats why i let myself even try. If i thought it could actually happen, i never would have done it. I know that sound crazy, but it makes sense to me.
The crazy thing is, i've been getting a couple of compliments here and there, mostly from my family, but its like, if other pple are noticing, that should be motivation for me and it should keep me going. Right??? yet somehow i still eat and eat and eat.
In general, except for today, the stuff i've eaten hasn't even been all that BAD. Mostly, just chocolate and bread. Today though, i ate like i haven't eaten in months. I still want to throw up because of all those damn cookies. I think the problem really has been that i haven't been starting off the day right, becuase when i did, i had no problem saying no to the bad stuff. So maybe this means that even though single servings of cereal and granola bars are easy, they just might not be the answer. It's just really hard for me b/c i DON'T get up early to eat...i can barely get up on time as it is...and i go to school...not work where i can sit and eat a yougurt or something.
I also bought i digital scale, a taylor, but my dad says his weight is off by four lbs. Idk, i was the same, but i also know i gained a lb and a 1/2 between yest and this morning. Im def going back to weighing on mondays only tho, b/c i think mentally i can't handle any more or less than once a week.
I'm hoping that tonight was my breaking point. Tomorrow starts a new day, and i can just get back on the wagon, get myself into a routine, and not look back. I don't know what my feeling are right now...not optimistic, but not depressed either. I guess im kinda just at neutral...
**I have already had my 64+ oz of water, im going to work out tonight, and im going to just have a simple salad and more water when i go out w/ a friend later tonight. Hopefully he can pick my mood up a little.

Err, also, i PROMISE to get some pictures up as soon as i manage to figure out how the hell to add pictures to this website, since i can't just upload what i already have on my computer...current progress pics ill also do when i figure that out and how to work my camera :)

Biggest Loser workout!

2006-01-26T19:38:00.000-08:00

WOW...i just did the biggest loser workout, and it was INSANE. I feel amazing! I did the warm up, which really gets you going, then the beginning cardio, and ended with the cool down. It was supposed to be 5, 25, 20 mins, but i think they round up when they estimate, because the work out def. seemed more like about 40-42 mins long all together instead of 50. However, even though i did the beginniner's cardio, it was awesome! Totally kicked my butt! I did it with my mom and we were both really pushing ourselves, and i won't lie, i was completely covered with sweat. I'm glad to say that i was able to do probably about 90% of all the movements...I've just found that my quads are shaky and my balance needs some work. So i could say a lot about it, but im going to keep this short. All in all, it was an amazing workout. I'm excited to see what else it holds.
In general, the last couple of days have been good, i've worked out already 3 times this week counting today, and will go to the gym 2m and possibly add in a workout on sat. to make it 4 or 5 for the week. Right now the most important thing is to not burn myself out like i have done in the past and not give up. I feel great tho, and have decided to up my workout's to 4x per week, but if i only get in 3, its ok. Just a minimum of 3, no less! Food has been decent, today food was find. I went out after my midterm w/ a friend, got an omelette...but it came with a huge side of home fries and 2 pancakes! This place is amazing! I had to take 5 mins to talk myself into NOT getting pancakes. I instantly asked for a to go box, threw in the pancakes, half of the HUGE 4 egg(at least!) omelette, and 3/4 of the potatoes. Even after that, i only ate 1/2 of what was on the plate. So i was happy, and later at work i was really good. Just some soup, greek salad, and some chicken salad. All in all, i've decided to try and wean myself off the scale b/c its been all over the place, and i think that mentality is hurting me, not helping me. So I think i may even cut back to weighing myself once every 2 wks, or once a week max, and just see how my clothes sit.
Ok, off for a shower and bed. Hope everyone has a great friday!

I've decided...

2006-01-25T11:14:00.000-08:00

So I've decided that even though I'm ok with getting to my goal of 130-140 any time during the summer, I'd REALLY REALLY like to be 150 by my 18th birthday, which is May 29th. So I've got about four months to lose about 30-35 lbs...yea, i have no idea what my real wieght is right now. On monday, I was 184.5, on tuesday, after a great workout and eating day on monday, i was 181ish, which i thought was pretty insane and i didn't know if i believed, and today, after an ok day yesterday, i was 186. So as i don't think im gaining and dropping 5 lbs in a day, I've decided to TRY and avoid the scale for at least the rest of the week.
I've a little stuffed up and congested, which has really dropped my energy level, so i don't really want to pay much attention to what im eating and drinking. Plus i have no energy to study for midterms, but that's another story. Yesterday was a scheduled rest day, and eating was ok...i had some raw cashews for breakfast, then i bought a pack of poptarts during the break in between midterms (i promise, i was really hungry and it was the MOST nutrious thing there.......i so avoided the candy cookies and chips!) For lunch i had the rest of my salad from monday night w/ a little bit of homemade liver pate that my mom made which was awesome! Later, i had a snack of some clementines and another handful of nuts. For dinner, i had plain salad and more liver pate. Later, i had a single square of dark chocolate and some celery w/ peanut butter. So really it was just the poptarts that were bad Tuesday. The other bad thing was that i barely drank ANY water. Not the best thing to do.
Today, i didn't eat any breakfast, and for lunch i went to panera and had half a ceasar salad and half a chnx sandwich. Plus chips AND a piece of bread. With a diet coke. lol. Not the best meal- a lot of bread and carbs in general. I could've done a lot worse though, so i guess its ok. I could've had a burger and fries or something even worse. I'm heading to the gym now, and im going to make sure that for the rest of the day i eat healthy, and I'm going to make sure i drink ALOT of water. Hopefully the rest of today will counteract the bad stuff yesterday and today.
I'm going to be glad when midterms and this cold are done so i can get back to a normal schedule! For now, I'm just going to do the best i can. I'm going to estimate that with the bugged out scale, I'm still at about 184, so I'd really really really love to be at 180 by the end of the month!

Sweet Success!

2006-01-23T17:16:00.000-08:00

I've finally broken through the damn 187-190 range, and am now swinging b/t 184-185 on my NON digital scale (which is soon to be replaced as soon as i get a 20% off coupon from bed bath and beyond). Other than that, this weekend was fantastic eating, only 3 choc. covered cherries. I didn't get any excercise in because i ended up working double this weekend, so i couldn't really do anything else but relax....which was needed with a capital N. I'm feeling great right now, because i have to think that this was the healthiest day of my life! I drank my 64 oz of water, went to the gym between school and work since we had a half day, and this was the meal:

B: raw cashews b/t midterms
L: Sushi ( 6 pc california roll, 6 pc terriyaki chnx) w/ a diet coke
S:2 cup chnx broth w/ a slice of ww tst 1/2 pad of butter
S:banana
D: 1/2 of my grilled chnx w/ sesame seeds and chik peas over toss salad

The best part of the day was when i avoided buying junk b/t my midterms, said no to my friends fries, got myself to the gym even when it went lying about a doctor's appointment as to why i was late to work, and not eating any junk when i was bored b/c work was slow

Fantastic day! I am so determined to be below 180 by the end of the month!

Sunday

2006-01-22T12:12:00.000-08:00

B: 1 serving corn flakes w/ 1 cup skim milk
S:1.5 cup chocolate milk w/ skim milk
1 serving chocolate covered cherries (2 pcs)
L: 1/2 beef gyro w/ greek salad wrap
1 sm cup coleslaw
Planned:
D: 3 oz. lean lamb w/ salad w/ olive oil or ff ranch
S: apple or clementines

32 oz. of water so far, will try to double that before the day is over
Will do first BL dvd workout!

First official weigh-in 2m!

The numbers game...

2006-01-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

So I've figured out that according to the Biggest Loser diet/excercise program, I need to eat under 1310 calories a day. I think I'm going to actually try and do this at a more structured pace. Structure helps me. So I guess that means that I need to start writing down what I eat, and its nutrition facts...also what has always mistified me was portion sizes. I could never do the 8 oz./ i tbs/ect thing. They say everyone has trouble with it in the beginning though, so maybe after a few weeks I really will be able to eyeball stuff. We just bought a new scale for the kitchen, so that should help with the food. I'm worried. I don't know if im strong enough to do this. I want it so badly, and im going to try hard. I really am. I mean, if I lose an average of two pounds a week, for the total wieght loss of 52 pounds, that is 26 weeks, which is about 6.5 months. That should put me right in the middle of the summer. I said that hitting my goal wieght was targeted for the early summer, so there's no problem there. I know what foods are healthy and what are not, and I like to excercise...what scares me about the excercise is that it just seems like SO much more than I've EVER done. So the plan is simple:
Eat right- smaller portions, 4-6 times a day
Log the food and calorie intake- at all times. Come home and figure it out if need be on fitday
Excercise at least 3x per week. This number will increase to 4 and then to 5. Maintaining will be decided when i reach goal
Weigh in offically once a week- this will be Monday, which will hold me accountable on weekends, AND hopefully make me look forward to Monday :)
Stay positive- get back up one more time than i fall
Try to learn something new about nutrition/excercise each week
Blog as often as possible
Drink water or diet stuff only
Build self confidence, and willpower!
Make a list of rewards/ goals that will be based on non-food rewards
Learn to love myself and be a more organized and happier person

**This will be edited as many times as necessary to meet my goal

Today

2006-01-19T18:15:00.000-08:00

Today was not the best day eating wise....I had a bagel this morning, but with nothing on it.

Later on, because i was on a trip, i sucumbed to the urge when we went into the candy store (!) and bought about a $3.00 worth of bulk candy....which i can tell you, i only ate most of the choclate from that, and then THREW out the jelly beans! I was kinda proud of myself for that...i didn't want it, so i didn't have it. Had i kept it, i would've eaten them. But really, these chococlate cravings are puzzling me. I NEVER had these, even when its TOM. Later on, for lunch pple wanted chinese food, but i went down the hall (we went to NBC studios @ rockefeller center, where they light the tree, for those of you who don't know....and we saw all the studios which was cool, and we went into the late breaking news one and the conan o'brien studio which was cool....but anyway, i went down the hall, got myself a can of diet sprite and a turkey sand. with tomato, field greens, fat free honey mustard dressing, and avacado on multigrain. It was awesome :) After that i had a sugar free/fat free jello cup at home, and when i went to a meeting at school, we'll that was where i hit the trouble spot. I was starving for some reason, which im usually not by that point in the day. I knew i should have just stayed away from the food, but i didn't. And so, i had... hm, about an 8 in. turkey and cheese sand on a hero, a bag of sunchips, and a brownie. A BROWNIE...once again, it was the damn chocolate. Anyway, I checked my cals and stuff on fitday, and i realized that even with the bad stuff, i ate about 2000 calories. So def. nto a great day to go down in the books, but overall, a bad day could have been a horrible day. I could've eaten chinese food, a lot more candy, cookies at the meeting, another brownie, and i could've drank more soda/non-diet stuff instead of water the rest of the day. I'm really trying to learn to accept when i have bad days, but also look at the good. AND tomorrow i WILL eat only good stuff and kill myself at the gym. And i plan to do the same thing over the weekend. I WILL BE 180 lbs by the end of the month. It's going to happpen. I will not fail because of chocolate lol.

I hope everyone has more willpower than me. I really do.
-Milana :)

Huh?

2006-01-18T19:10:00.000-08:00

Ok, i am thinking its time for me to abandon my scale, because i was back up to 190 today, and i just don't believe it. I had a great workout again yesterday evening, ate well all day except for some combos... and im sorry, but i don't think i gained three pounds of muscle from one workout lol. It's high time I buy a new scale!
Today I had an epiphany. If I eat something small right after 1st period, i will def. be hungry 3/4th period, and i NEED to have something on me, or I WILL buy candy b/c you can always buy candy in my school. PLUS, they're selling Getrudge Hawk chocolate bars, which are to die for. They are awesome. I had one today :( and three more pieces of chocolate. I don't know what the hell this is...when I ate a lot of crap, i didn't even like chocolate all that much. Now that I've actually achieved cutting out all the other crap, all I want is chocolate! It's horrible...lol. I'm not that upset. This is the beginning of my journey. This is going to be hard. I will suceed.
I can already see little changes in my body. Usually i just lose the weight from my face really quickly, but that hasn't happened yet. However, I instantly felt it in my thighs and my stomach. I'm hoping this means its real poundage coming off?
Today at work when i was eating, i think i ate the first meal of my life where i ate the perfect amount of food. Typically, I'm always FULL. Not stuffed, but i feel the food sitting there. Today at work, i had half a spinach salad w/ light dressing and the bacon, but no croutons, with which i had half a chicken salad sand on pita. I didn't even touch the pita! In fact, i got up and threw it out! If i had left it on my plate, i would have eaten it after five minutes. I know it. So, back to this weird feeling...i just felt completely satisfied, not at all hungry...but not at all like it was too much. I know it sounds weird, i can't completely explain it, but it made me happy. Plus, I usually get hungry for a snack later on...whether it be fruit or whatnot. Today, i don't even want that.
And i only drank water today. That's a first! In general, I've noticed that my food portions are growing def. getting smaller. Maybe they'll even be normal one day soon :)
Ok, im off to do hw. Being a senior sucks when you have no motivation to do ANY work.

MAD!

2006-01-17T13:24:00.000-08:00

Bad news first- i got a parking ticket today! It's my first ticket :( [I've only had my license for 5 1/2 months] so I'm pretty annoyed. It's so stupid too! I had gone over the curb and thought that i had come off of it, but apperantly not...there was ice there too, so i guess i had come off the ice and not the curb w/o realizing it...and apperantly, my friend doesn't look down when she gets out of a car, b/c i know i would have noticed instantly if i had been getting out of the passengers side of another car. It's not a big deal, its not a speeding ticket or any kind of violation like that, but that's still $54 dollars for being on the freaking curb! 54?!!! I'm annoyed....hopefully though, that's the worst kind of ticket i'll ever get...
In other news, I'm back DOWN to 187!! Yeay:) I was pretty sure those couple of pounds i gained back would drop quickly, but it was nice to see that happen. I'm hoping that I might even be able to get down into the 170's within the end of the month.
Food yesterday wasn't bad...i think the only bad stuff was a cookie and a couple of choc. covered cherries. It happens :)
Today, i haven't had ANYTHING bad yet. This morning was a single serving box of cereal (cinnamon grahams ~100 cals) with some combos for a snack later on (once again portion controlled size). Lunch was a scoop of chicken salad and some yankee bean soup. I love the fact that we have open campus for lunch and i can come home. Now, when i came home after school, I had a couple of clementines. Very nice and filling. Dinner will be some kind of meat/salad most likely, with a fudgesicle or some fruit if need be later on. Now I am off to the gym, b/c as badly as i want a nap, i won't be able to get there again until friday, so i should go. Plus come on, how can that loss not motivate me?! :)
Lastly im just going to note that while the food im eating (combos lol) may not seem as healthy and 'dietish' as it needs to be, for me the fact that im controlling the portions and eating more often is definitly helping most of all right now. I'm sure that after the first 20-25 lb loss, i will have to watch what im eating even more closely, but i think that i will be so motivated by that point, it hopefully won't be a problem.

Hope everyone else has a wonderful day, stay motivated!

P.S. WORKOUT WAS GREAT! except for when it got cut short by my fathers acquantance who decided to come lecture me about schools and such lol. It was a great workout, im glad i went. Also, very random, my profile views just jumped from 16 to 32! What the eff?

Good day...

2006-01-15T13:50:00.000-08:00

I finally got myself to the gym today and had a GREAT workout...im sure that im going to be sore tomorrow. Also, the eatings been good. I had a dannon lite and fit w/ fiber yogurt, a bunch of sunflower seeds, and some cantelope after the gym. Dinner will be some chicken and turkey w/salad, and fruit later on if im still hungry.
With the amount of garbage that i ate last week, i was up to 190, but i already dropped a pound of that b/c i ate well yesterday. Hopefully after the workout and good eating today, i'll be back to my 187 within the week.
I've decided that I also won't start looking for a prom dress until im at least 175, hopefully even less if I buy it in Mid-March somewhere. Hmm, let's see...when i went to senior prom last year w/ a friend, i was in a 12. I'd like to be down to a 9/10 for this year. That would make me very very happy :)
And...last but not least, I'm ordering the biggest loser DVD and a new scale online today!

Stuck in a Rut

2006-01-14T19:52:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling really down the last couple of weeks, between the hols and the first week of Jan, but i finally started to feel a little bit better. I had no energy whatsoever and was really starting to freak out, but that has thanfully ended. I've been focusing on just feeling a little bit better mentally before I go and try to do anything else, and I finally feel like I'm at a place where I can assess my goals and really just start taking this journey. I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired, unhappy, unhealthy, and insecure.
So now that I'm finally feeling better, I'm going to start getting to the gym again tomorrow, which I'm actually looking forward to. I got some work out clothes for the hols and I just really need the endorphins! Plus, for me, the food and the excercise SO go hand in hand...when I'm not working out I just don't have the motivation to eat right. Sad but true...
The good news is that i've been drinking LOTS more water and just iced tea. No more soda for me...I think i had half a can of diet pepsi this week. I've also been making sure that I'm always eating SOMETHING in the morning, i always used to not eat and then just eat a HUGE meal at lunch. It's easier now that i can just keep 100 calorie snack packs, or granola bars, or bags of nuts in my car and just grab one. I also always have a case of water in my car now too. The bad news is i think i ate more bread and bagels in the last week than I ate in all of December! I wish I knew why I have such issues with food...once i start eating, i throw all caution to the wind and just eat and eat and eat. I really hate it and its hard for me to separate hating myself from hating my actions sometimes. I know that right now, its just really important that i stop being lazy and just work on setting up a routine for myself.
It just amazes me how with anything else, once i set my mind to it, I CAN get it done. Not to sound obnoxious, but I'm an achiever...once I want something, I'll do anything to get it. So why I have so much trouble with putting that same attitude to weight loss i don't know. I just know that when I look back and its June, I'm going to say look at those six months...you could have so easily just started some good eating/excercise habits and you'd be in such a better place now. So, its time to cut that off at the source. I AM STARTING THOSE GOOD HABITS.
The past is the past, and I can't obsess over every single piece of candy, every cookie, or every french fry. It's just time to look to the future, because there are only good things to come.

Scales

2006-01-08T16:00:00.000-08:00

Does anyone have any suggetions for a fantastic scale? I want one that is digital, so i know exactly what weight im at. The one we have now in the house, you can't really tell your weight if it isn't on an exact five pound increment.

Thanks!

Working things out

2006-01-08T09:42:00.000-08:00

So yay, according to the scale today, i managed to drop the pound i gained, and i think also another one...im not exactly sure lol, i badly need to buy a digital scale...

This week, I'm focusing on just my eating habits. I think that whenever i start to try and excercise and eat 100% right all the time, i just get way in over my head, and drop the ball way too quickly, and then get discouraged and the viscious cycle starts all over again. So just this week, I'm only focusing on the food aspect. I'm going to try and hit the gym a couple of times this week, but if it doesn't happen, then no biggie. I've got to let go of the as-soon-as-i-make-a-mistake-its-over mentality. I'm just hurting myself with that. So with the food, I'm focusing on smaller portions, better choices, more water, and to give myself at least three hours between food and bed. That's all i really have to do...Thankfully, i don't need to go on some strict regiment 1200 calories a day regiment, at least not from what i've done to drop weight in the past...

Yesterday was a good eating day overall. At work in the morning i had a cup of cereal with regular milk, then at lunch i had a crossant (i haven't had one of those in forever, so oh well) a little bit of greek salad that tasted like crap so i didn't eat it at all, and a cup of tomato rice soup. Then at night i went out to dinner with my friends for a birthday, had an iced tea and a water, then ate a little bit of calamari and a sandwich with 1/2 the fries. Def. not the best choices, i know i should have gone for a salad, but then when we decided to get dessert, i knew i didn't really want anything at all and didn't have anything! In the past, i've always gotten something, just to eat, even if i didn't want anything. I've finally started to learn to listen to my body to see if its actually hungry, instead of just stuffing myself to the gills. I know that for me to lose the weight (esp. in the beginning) its not even what i eat (as long as i cut out the complete crap like cake, ice cream, candy, chips ect) but more how much i eat. That's really how i gained all this weight...i don't eat much pasta, bread, potatos ect, I just used to eat such HUGE portions.

I've also realized that as long as im continously dropping weight, its not even important for me to set a date for when i need to lose the weight. I know i said graduation before, but as long as I hit goal at some point during the summer before i leave for school, then I'm going to be happy. As long as the numbers on the scale never go up again, then im good. (And a pound here or there is ok, because i know that water weight and whatnot will affect that). I also know that mentally, as soon as i keep seeing a decrease in that number, i will WANT to work out even more and put more effort into the weight loss because i will want to get to goal even faster.

I'm feeling really good about doing this at a normal, managable pace for me. I'm not going to let this take over my life. If i can lose a couple of pounds a week, then im golden.

Edit:
I've been feeling a little sluggish, and I've been wondering why, but i've realized that its b/c its TOM, and duh, its started. It's nice to see that even with that, im losing some weight :)

Excited!

2006-01-03T12:38:00.000-08:00

Ok, so sadly, because of festivities this weekend, i did gain back a pound :( However, I am ok with that, and am sooo looking forward to getting back on track. Jan-March is usually the worst part of the school year for me, becuase it really tends to drag, and now that I've gotten into colleges, and its the second half of my senior year, I don't really want to do much work. So other than worrying about who I'm going to go to prom with (lol), I've been thinking about the fact that I don't really have anything to look forward to until March, where I'll be going to D.C. for a week for school. Then, it kinda just hit me-duh! Throw myself into this weight loss thing completely...there really is no better time right now. So I am really excited right now- If i could just stop pushing it off and saying tomorrow, it would be great. I just need to shut my mouth and stop eating all the crap, and just start exercising a little bit again. I'm looking forward to getting that energy back again...the endorphins really help me out. I'm hoping that if i actually start going to sleep at a normal hour again, it should help, b/c i should have more energy. So to end on a positive note, today is my absolute LAST day where i just think about wanting to lose the weight. It starts tomorrow! Yay!

Also, I was wondering if anyone knows how i can add additional pages for pictures, progress charts, goal charts, ect?Or sidebar it?....I'm reallllly bad at this html stuff lol.

Thanks!

Yay!

2005-12-31T23:36:00.001-08:00

Yay for going to my first(and last) high school party w/ half my grade there...about 200 or so people...i love my friends and i love our little 15 pple get together and get drunk parties...but this sure was an experience!

And yay for only wasting calories on ONE shot! (Being the driver helps lol!)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Taking notice...

2005-12-30T20:01:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note before I go to finish putting up my "new years tree" (note: long standing weird russian tradition, and very late at that! But alas, better late than never!)

My eating was quite decent today, probably for the first day in a loooong time. I had half of my greek salad/ beef gyro wrap left over from work last night, 3 pcs. of chocolate that i really didn't need, some sushi for lunch, and then i went out for dinner with a friend to cali. pizza kitchen and split a half salad and a pizza with her. Still a lot of food, but i am content and not STUFFED! Usually, i tend to order meals that have a lot of food with them b/c i feel that i need to get my moneys worth. I really need to stop doing that, and work on portion control...my eyes are def. bigger than my stomach! Once I start school again next week, I'm def. going to try and set up a better routine for myself now that i have the hols and all my college app stuff out of the way. I need to get myself to the gym again- which isn't that hard once i start going thank god.
I will admit that i "fell off the wagon" a bit in the second half of December, but the difference here is that i still believe that i CAN do it- face it, if i don't believe it, than who ever will??
Also, I think that if i set up smaller goals for myself than my HUGE 50 lb weight loss goal, than it will be much easier for me to work at it. I'm going to set up some short listed goals and rewards(that don't have to do with food!) that i can look forward to. Also, I need to find some ideas for things i can do with friends instead of going out to eat. I feel like that's ALL that we do around here!

I also wanted to get some suggestions on whether people think that i need to find a set "diet routine" and stick to it, or i can do an "eat right and just excercise" deal, and what has worked better for others. I know that I'm damn lucky, even though my body is clearly not in the best of shape, once i get on the right track, since im pretty young, the lbs (or inches, ill take whatever!) should start coming off. I figure that i can't just take an "oh eat right and work out a bit"attitude...its not ten lbs i need to lose afterall, but i think it would work if i just have a set list of all things i can't eat...ie, candy, all white bread, starch soups, fried food ect. i should be okay...once i get to calorie counting and whatnot it just seems so over my head...

So yes, any comments are dearly appreciated! Have a VERY happy and healthy start to your new year, and remember, no resolutions! Just plans! Plans for a better, healthier, and happier you!

-milana

New Me

2005-12-29T20:23:00.000-08:00

Hello world! I'm a 17 year old teen who is almost done growing up in the suburbs of New York City. While younger than the general weight loss crowd around here, im just sick and tired of being the "fat friend". I feel like my personality does not match my body at all, and I am DONE being unhappy with myself just for a few minutes filled with psuedohappiness due to some food. Being overweight seems to run in the female side of my family- my older cousin, my sister, my aunt, my aunt, and myself have all had to battle the scales, some with more success than others. I've been overweight for probably just about the last ten years of my life, since age eight or so. I've never been ok with it, but its never bothered me as much as it has over the past few months. I just feel like I am MISSING out on so much that life has to offer! I want to go out with guys, i want to go shopping for clothes with all my friends, i want to be able to ski and dance and enjoy life without being so damn self concious about how my body looks, but most of all i really just want to be healthy! It really is just that important to me that i get down to a healthy, maintanable weight. I feel no need to be "skinny"- i will never be a size 2 or a 4, but i believe that i can be a very HEALTHY size 8 or so. Im currently a 12/13, at a current weight of about 188 lbs (about 192 starting). While I know that some people may believe that that is ok, i know that at 5 ft 3 in. it is NOT, and that there is no reason for me to be at that weight, especially since it has been a climbing weight since my early teen years. I know that if i can't gain control of my body NOW, it will only get worse. I'm going to be moving away from home in the fall, going to college, not exactly sure where, but i know that i am moving out, and that if i don't gain control of myself now, it will only get worse. I won't let that happen. I remember saying i would never let myself get over 160 lbs, 170, but the number on the scale just kept going and going, but it stops TODAY.
I am so scared of failing, because while pushed in the past to try and lose weight by my parents, it never really happened. I would lie and say that i was eating right and working out, but i would still stuff myself with junk. Growing up, my parents tried to restrict the junk we ate, and i always loved fruits and veggies ect, but my sister and i never had portion control or access to team sports and such. I spent my childhood with books (which i still love!) and a family membership to a gym since somewhere around the age of ten (let me tell you how much THAT messed me up!) I know i have issues with food, but i can't really say that i know WHAT they are. I mean, HOW can i sit with a box or pringles and eat them all in a day?? Why does my brain let me do that?
All in all, I think that I am finally ready to start down the road to losing the 50 ibs or so that i want to lose. Right now i am setting a goal of 140 lbs, and when i get there (not if, but WHEN) i will decide if that is where i need to be to maintain. In all honesty, i would like to do that by graduation (june 15,2006!) but i don't know if that is healthy or managable. I work 3 times a week, am very involved in school activites (national honor society, future busness leaders of america, student government, peer leadership, ect) and i like to say that i have a social life. However, as i am heading to second semester of my senior year, and can kind of ease out of actually caring about any of those activties or my classes since i have already been accepted into colleges, I feel like now is the time to invest myself into becoming a better person, both mentally AND physically. I will probably being to work with a personal trainer in the beginning of the new year, because while i actually do enjoy working out once i get my butt to the gym, i am still nto sure if i am working out correctly, nor am i sure about what food i should be eating. However, after the new year starts, i am planning to start keeping a food journal, which i hope will help me.
I've been reading a lot of other weightloss blogs for the last few weeks, in addition to just reading weightloss motivational material and watching the biggest loser. I can actually say that this is the first time that i have ever felt this kind of motivation and willpower in my life, which i always felt was the missing ticket to my wieghtloss in the past. Like i said, i am so scared of failing, but i CAN'T keep living my life like this. Ten years of being overweight was more than enough- i want to live the kind of life the "inside" me has always craved. In general, i feel that if i get into good shape, then i will be much happier, and will go away to college feeling that i can handle anything!
I don't know if anyone is going to actually read this entire post- a lot of this has been brewing in my head for the last month or so, and I've just really needed to get it out. I am SO excited about what is to come in the next months- with all the good stuff that happens during senior year, my weight loss will just be another memory that i can treasure, of proving to myself what i am capable of accomplishing.
If anyone would like to leave any comments about getting started in their own paths, i would greatly appreciate it. I will also be posting some beginning pictures in the days to come.