bloomingbeing

Alive

2007-03-21T22:28:00.000-07:00

I'm alive...really, nothing bad has happened. I haven't fallen off the face of the earth or fallen into a food coma. I just haven't had the energy to deal with "this" monster- and so the blog has been neglected also.

I blame it on being busy, and not having enough time, but that really isn't true. Sure, i don't have a ton of free time, but more than my fair share that I could be putting into planning out my food and working out. I finally felt like i was getting back into the swing of things, and then it disappeared all over again.

I'm disapointed in myself, more than anything. I was holding steady at 179-180 for quite a while, and then i just started to eat like no tomorrow, for no reason (no conscious reason anyway). And, I can REALLY see the weight...its all sitting around my stomach and the back rolls. I hate it so badly...and i hate that i can't seem to pull myself together.

I do realize that part of it does come down to the small bouts of depression that I've been having since this school year started. I know that it's normal- the first year of college is a huge adjustment for anyone, and i've had a TON of other stuff to deal with. However, i still feel like im making excuses. AND, i'm just really sick of it. I feel like i just need to get my head in the right place, and i could do this. I really want to do this.... but it just feels like its too damn hard sometimes.

One of my biggest battles (with everything, not just weight loss), which i have really begun to discover is that i'm horrible at breaking big goals down into little ones. Maybe that is part of why this whole process is so hard for me...maybe I just look at the fact that I need to lose at least 45 lbs (if nto closer to 55) and i just feel like im in over my head....

My weight holds me back from so much...and im really learning to grow out of that...and be happy with myself, but i know that i will NEVER have a good relationship with a guy if i continue to feel the way that I do about myself now......i have a very strong personality, and frankly, the amount of self esteem i have about my looks will never attract the kind of guy that can deal with my personality (if that makes any sense, it does in my head)

The best part is that I finally have a REAL motivator...my sister just got engaged, and they are doing a late summer/early fall wedding......they just want to get their lives started together, and i feel like its finally a great motiavtor for me...i mean proms, i only let myself down...here, its their wedding photos if i look like crap! And im not saying that i want to lose the weight just for the wedding....its for much more than that, but still a great goal indeed!

So that's where I am.......desperately trying to pull myself back from this ledge i've been dangling on...im sick of saying, THIS is the time im finally going to do it......so for now, all im going to say is...

Right now, im doing it. Break it down piece by piece, and get it done.

Thanks for the encouregment, i could really use some!

50th post

2007-01-05T22:48:00.000-08:00

It's kind of nice to have such a nice round number for my first post of the year, especially when I'm finally starting to feel like I'm ready to put my energy back into this weight loss game, once and for all!

Here's the plan for the next ten days until I go back to school:
I want to try this "intiutive eating" that I've been reading so much about: eat what I want, but really listen to my body as to how much I want of everything... I've really pinpointed the fact that my major problem is how MUCH I eat... not that everything I eat is good for me, but for the most part, I know that the portions kill me...

I've been eating a lot of junk this last week (new years is a big thing for my family, its a whole russian tradition...) But since last weekend, I started eating crap and haven't been able to start... so now I'm done with that, and even though I probably gained a little bit from all that crap, I'm going to post 178 as my real weight... That's the number I'm starting off with, and we're making it my challenge number!

SO... the last day that I will be 18 ON is may 28th, as the 29th of May will by my 19th Birthday...

SO From 178 to 148, by May 28th, my last day being 18....wow, that a lot of 8's!

I know I can do this...this next week is just easing myself back into some good eating habits...

Cut down on portions
Drink lots of water
Cut out the sugar
Only fruit after 8
I'm going to do all this everyday...even though I'm going to visit my best friend for a few days...I don't care, I can do it!

I think a big part of why I always fall off the wagon is that I don't make a concrete plan...so here it is...148 by May 28th... and this "mini plan" for the rest of break... I know I can do it!

I also really do plan on getting back into the blogging world...I've updated my stats and plan on doing the same to my blogroll!

Have a good and "on plan" weekend everybody!! Talk to you soon!
-Milana

2006-12-16T13:13:00.000-08:00

Oh my, what a month it has been....I think I've felt every emotion under the sun...

My grandmother passed away very suddenly the weekend after thanksgiving... I'm still not sure if I've really grieved b/c I have been quite ok since it happened...maybe b/c we didn't have to watch her suffer, maybe b/c my father doesn't have so much stress on him now... I can't really put it into words, obv. no one is happy when such an integral member of the family passes away, but I've really been ok...I loved my grandmother dearly and plan to honor her memory and will miss her for the rest of my life...but I'm ok...

I met this guy who I've really started to like...I'm just so comfortable with him and am just getting to know him and we are enjoying ourselves...so we shall see where that will lead...

Compared to the beginning of the semester I've been soooooooo much happier, and I really hope that after being home for winter break, I can come back to school and have a much more organized start to the semester.... at the moment, except for one day, all my classes do start at 11:30 again, but I'm done earlier in the day...so no big gaps, which i am happy about...

and last but not least I am holding STEADY at 178-179! It has been great to break out of the 180's and I certainly plan on never seeing those numbers again! I do really plan to start hitting the gym again when I get home and make it a big part of my time when I get back to school next semester.... I'm ready to do this and do it right!

I'm done with school on Thursday, I just have one final monday night and one on Thursday...I'm not even worried about the Th. one, I just have to PASS the monday one...the next 2 days are going to be spent cramming! fun fun...

I want to wish all of you an amazing holiday season, and I hope that every single one of us take the time to look around and see everything that we have...I'm not wasting another day of my life living for tomorrow...after this past month I know that I want to make every single day special!

All my best,
Milana

bleh

2006-11-17T20:01:00.000-08:00

I really love how In the morning, I feel great and then that night (for no particular reason) I can look in the mirror and feel like a huge cow..........le sigh........

I'm so ready to do this right and get to feeling good about myself........I know I'm pretty...maybe I'm not "hot", but its damn ok........I'M the girl guys want to bring home to mom...and that's the way I like it :)

Starting Over...

2006-11-14T10:34:00.000-08:00

It's been almost a year since I started this blog...probbly about 11 months...and I've grown a lot as a person and had a lot of ups and downs with the whole weight loss issue...

I'm in a new environment now, and really trying to teach myself that its ok to love myself at any size...no will else is going to be able to love me unless I love myself... and I'm also trying to teach myself that I am beautiful, and that I'm worth it... I'm not going to let anyone put me down anymore...I'm done with that garbage!

this is where I recommit myself to this journey... I'm going to do it day by day and not look at the big picture anymore...its time to break this down and make it managable...I'd done with letting my weight rule my life

Here's to the rest of my healthy loving life :)

Never Really Gone...

2006-10-31T13:30:00.000-08:00

Hey All, How is everyone doing?
Please don't think I've disappeared...I really haven't, I've been here all along reading and wishing you all the best and seeing you go through the ups and downs that we all have been facing. The truth is that college has been a much harder mental adjustment than I ever thought it would be mentally....It's been a really tough 2 months....but I'd like to think that I'm much stronger mentally and emotionally....I mean everything happens for a reason right?

I was 186 when I left for school and I'm sitting at 181 now...I've been there for a few weeks. To be truthful I've had absolutly no energy to care about food or excercise...but I'm not eating too badly...the dining hall here has a ton of options and great hours....I've barely been eating out at all which is good and even though everyone on my floor loves to order food at all random hours of the day, I've only ordered 3 or 4 times. It's not too bad...the only real problems with food here are portion control in the dining hall, eating too much dessert (ie pudding AND a piece of cake) and not drinking enough water/ more soda than I ever did b/c the water in the dining hall tastes like chlorine!! Eh......but I've been trying to drink seltzer in the dining hall now, so that's working a little bit...

Other than that.....I've finally started to adjust a little more, I'm not as homesick....I just wish I could meet some solid friends.....everyone here is nice.......but I'm a gemini and we really do get emotionally attached.....so I feel like if I just made a few really good friends.....things would be alot better

I'm planning on starting a much better pattern in the next few days....So far today I ate some trail mix, a large salad at lunch w/ low cal dressing and not too much chicken on it...then a cone w/ 100 cal frozen yogurt on it.....

I've also been doing yoga and i did a 4 wk salsa class at the gym here at school....the awesome thing is that we have these really cheap classes (ie the salsa class was $5 for the whole month!)...so as soon as I stop making excuses and get my butt moving.....I think I'll be in good shape. Right now I've made a concrete goal and that is to be at 160 by the New Year. I'm making sure the holidays don't turn into an issue for me!

I'm so glad that I finally gave the mental energy to deal with all this again... I'll talk to you all soon......you're all in my thoughts!

-Milana

Collegeeeee

2006-08-27T15:07:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to explain why i've been MIA...

Right now, im cleaning and packing and doing all that not so fun but kinda exciting stuff such as shopping for all the miscellanious crap one doesn't realize they use in day to day life.

I move in in 5 days, but mostly everyones left for school but mine in this area, so i have a lot of time to myself to get ready, both physically and emotionally. Im scared but excited, and cant wait to just be there!

My schedule for classes is very nice, one that im happy with as soon as i switch some stuff around, and im also making sure that i will have time to workout, i heard there are great gyms.....lol i didnt even bother to go see them when i was there!

Other than that, today was my last day of work......i think that little factor will help ALOT in terms of the random snacking......candy, chips, too much soup, muffins....that i did only at work for the most part.

I haven't been too good....going out for lots of goodbye meals and such....plus i havent worked out since my membership ran out, but im not feeling guilty. Just looking forward to living a much healthier lifestyle in college then i did in hs. I really feel like this new enviornment will be much better for me.

OK all, next time i write, i will probably be at school!

179!

2006-08-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

YES!
After randomly deciding to weigh myself during the day (after eating lunch)....i was 179!

I'm going to try realllllly hard to not gain back the weight i lost while i was sick. I can't remember the last time i was below 180. It's got to be like...at least a year and a half ago. At least.

Only 9 more pounds to lose before I leave for school. I think i can do it!

And I will def. be back in the gym either tomorrow or sunday!

Still alive...barely :)

2006-08-03T18:14:00.000-07:00

So im still here, i've just been reallllly sick b/t an ear infection (2nd this summer, where as i haven't had any in a good 6 years before that) and said infection in my mouth causing mucho canker sores and whimpering everytime i needed to swallow or talk until today

other than that, im pretty sure i lost some weight, b/c all i've been eating since sunday was chicken soup, apple sauce, and some ice cream

i did however, graduate to bread yest. and ate half the loaf in the last two days :)

its ok though, tomorrow i will graduate back to most solids and will once again stay AWAY from the bread

i've also missed the gym...who knows, maybe 2m so that i at least get ONE workout in this week? that would be nice...

ohhh and i got my roomate's name, and she seems pretty nice. yay!

100 things about me

2006-07-28T19:06:00.000-07:00

Quite a bit copied from critter :)

1. I am addicted to shopping
2. I have one sister
3. I only wear silver or white gold jewelry
4. I own about 15 pairs of flip flops
5. I am very close to my parents and sister
6. I am Pro Choice
7. I spend too much time everyday reading blogs
8. I will watch almost any reality show
9. I secretly dream to be a size 6
10. I am scared I will never be in a single digit clothing size
11. I like Paris Hilton’s song Stars are Blind
12. I worry that I will always be the “fat girl”
13. I am a very paranoid person
14. I watch more MTV, TLC, VH1, and E! than any other channels
15. I am filled with useless celebrity info
16. I own way too many pairs of VS undies
17. My favorite TV show is Grey’s Anatomy
18. I cried when I watched the season finale...and I almost NEVER cry watching tv
19. I secretly want to become a interior designer and flip homes but I am afraid of failure
20.I haven't done a lot of things in life because I'm scared of failing
21. I went to the Bon Jovi concert last week
22. I hate my natural hair color
23. I have tortured my hair so much I am surprised I still have any
24. I talk too much
25. My favorite movie of all time is The Notebook
26. I suck at talking about myself in front of cute boys
27. I suck at talking to cute boys period
28. I am horrible at cleaning my room...it's dirty every other day
29. I am very controlling
30. I'm worried about never making enough money to support the lifestyle I want
31. I eat because I'm bored...all the time
32. I would love to be able to run in public for more than a block
33. I’m Team Aniston and Team Nick/Jessica
34. If my husband makes enough money for me to be a SAHM, I'd loved to do it for a few years
35. I've always wanted to be on MTV's Made for some sort of fitness thing but am too scared
36. I have 1 dog
37. I sometimes wonder how my life would have been different if I would have lost weight during High School
38. I always wished I was better friends with the kids who partied
39. I bit my nails until about two weeks ago and have no idea what finally made me stop
40. I have a guilty conscious
41. I get mad if someone doesn’t like me
42. I drive a mitsubishi galant
43. I worked 350 hours last summer to buy my car
44. I spent 7000$ on it and pay for my own car insurance and gas
45. I pay $1250 a year for insurance
46. I hate that I am going to my state university and feel like I settled
47. I didn't go the University of Maryland b/c I was scared of taking on loans this early in life
48. I'm scared shitless that I'm not going to make new friends in college
49. I want to party and go a little crazy in college
50. I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life
51. I really want to do something where I'm going to make a lot of money
52. I'm scared that I'm never going to have a boyfriend
53. I want to have more than one
54. I'm scared that I'm going to get married and have kids late in life
55. I want to get married within the next 5-7 years
56. I am freaking out about living with a random roomate at college
57. I can't wait to move out of my house even though i get along well with my parents
58. I hate the fact that I have such a problem finding healthy food to eat
59. I wish my mom cooked better
60. I do partially blame my parents for being overweight b/c of my bad eating habits
61. I speak russian fluently
62. I was born outside of the U.S.
63. I love to travel
64. My favorite vacations were Cancun and Alaska
65. I want to live on the West Coast (Upper Cali or Oregon)
66. Otherwise I plan to stay in the east coast
67. I'm pretty sure that I will study abroad during college
68. I believe there is a pretty good chance that I will transfer schools
69. I'm planning to transfer unless I fall in love with Rutgers
70. I'm seriously considering going to law school, but only if I do extremely well on the LSAT's, thus being able to go to a top law school and make lots of money
71. I'm not ashamed of the fact that I want to make a lot of money
72. Despite sounding like a snob, I pay for most of my expenses and rarely spend more than 20-30$ on any single thing
73. I smoke weed once when i was 14 and LIKED it :)
74. I am addicted to smiley faces on AIM
75. Lately, I've been thinking to hell with it-I'm done being so self concious around guys
76. I have yet to put this thought to the test
77. I basically learned to drive in a week after i got my car
79. I honestly believe that I don't look as heavy as I am
80. I love my butt
81. I'm scared that there is a medical issue such as thyroid problems as to why I'm overweight
82. I love the fact that my dad is leaving for a week to go live with a spanish family in mexico to only speak spanish
83. I'm glad he's finally doing something for himself
84. I'm worried how my parents will cope with an empty nest
85. I plan to always have a dog in my life after i buy my own home
86. I can't wait to buy my own home
87. I was disgusted with the fact that the majority of the attention i got in cancun was from sleazy spanish men
88. I tend to get hit on by older russian men and am disgusted by it
89. I was shocked when i won a scholarship from my father's union since i wrote the essay the night before
90. I think the hottest i ever looked was at this year's prom...scroll down for pic in a few posts ago
91. My favorite colors are green and blue
92. I'm shocked that I got this done in about an hour
93. My sister and I are 5 and a half years apart
94. We fought all the time when we were younger and still do quite a bit
95. She fought a lot of my battles for me with my parents
96. Until I was 6, i was stick skinny
97. I gained probably close to 30 pounds in 2 years
98. And didn't realize it until 2 months ago when I was looking at pictures
99. I think that was also my parents fault that we didn't catch it, b/c i only went to the doctors when i needed paperwork filled out instead of yearly
100. I'm so happy that I'm trying to change the weight situation now instead of late in life, and fully expect to be at goal before my 19th birthday

101...... :) I honestly believe i will eat better and continously workout in college

I'm horrible at coming up with titles...

2006-07-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

Yay! Another succesful week of hitting the gym four times...and for at least an hour and half to two...it's nice when I have this kind of time to dedicate to myself and my body....The funny thing is that yesterday when I didn't work out, i felt quite lethargic...maybe im finally getting to the point where I have to do SOME KIND of workout everday? I would actually love that...

The food is getting better little by little.......While I'm not eating the right things or often enough at all.....im gravitating away from even WANTING the junk. I went to the store today to get something to eat (b/c there is no food in my house whatsoever) and I wasn't exactly sure what I wanted. I was going to get some kind of junk......i was like, oh i want either cake or cookies or something......but b/c I couldn't settle on one thing (as in there was nothing that I HAD to have) I ended up with some sushi and diet iced tea. It was a good feeling...

I'm kind of trying to find new things that I can eat......whether or not I have to buy them premade or cook it myself, either one is fine. I just can't eat my mother's cooking and blank out whenever I try to find something to make. So for the last few days, I either eat junk that I really don't even want but am just starving, or I only eat once a day when I go get a salad or sushi or something like that. I'm to the point that even when I go to get something to eat, I want healthy food. It's just not that easy to get lol!

Putting it all together

2006-07-25T20:48:00.000-07:00

So this is my second week of great exercising....4 days last week and twice so far this week, with another workout planned for tomorrow and friday.
Gold's has a couple of free training sessions when you sign up, and im a bit worried.
The stuff the trainer has me doing is so much lighter then i do by myself, so im wondering if when i work out......that im burning myself out and then thats why i quit after a few weeks? When i go to the gym i spend b/t an hr and a half to two there each time....about 30-40 mins cardio (split between bike and eliptical) and the rest on free weights/machine weights/stretching and abs on ball, ab roller etc.
I really do think i push myself harder when i workout on my own, but it hasn't really made a difference. Maybe right now i just need to work on finding a good medium, and finding a way in which i don't make myself feel that i have to do EVERYTHING every time i work out. My trainer has shown me a lot of new stuff, so i just need to break it down to two or three routines i can rotate.....that way when the weight starts dropping, there will be a place for me to work harder, where i won't need to spend 3 or 4 hrs there to get a good workout!

In addition, the food is still horrible, but what worries me is that i dont really seem to care.
I think the worst part is that i dont get out of my house until 2 or 3 everyday, where im either off to work or the gym. I sleep till about 11 (i know, lazy but hey its my last summer before college!) then watch tv and go online, and eat some kind of junk which then throws the rest of my day off. I think if i started the day off nutriously, it would carry on.
I'm also going to start going back to drinking less crap and more water. I was doing quite well and then just got lazy, b/c i do need to think about it to actually do it.

Right now, its all about getting the pieces right and letting it happen gradually. I think my friend (who lost about 40 pounds) is right.......just do it, don't overanalyze and worry about it, just do it.

So here's the plan for the rest of the summer:

-Start getting up and doing things instead of wasting time: ie, cleaning out all the crap in my room before i leave for school little by little, and maybe mix up gym time with some time at the park
-Plan out the hanging out for city/beach/six flags/see everyone going to dif. schools
-Continue working out 4 times a week- but break it down into a few routines to rotate and not overwork myself
-Look into a pilates or yoga class
-Drink more water and cut down on the diet coke...which i still only drink at work really, but more than i need to
-Conciously work on eating better
-Find a creative outlet that i can continue once i get to school

Loving the summer!

2006-07-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

I've basically been working and hanging out, sleeping late, and enjoying my last summer before college :)

Spending lots of money on dorm stuff is fun!

I made it to the gym 4 times this week, which i am very happy to report.

The eating has been horrendous, so that's another story, but im just doing it all one piece at a time, and this time-

its really going to happen!

Back on the wagon...

2006-07-16T15:03:00.000-07:00

So I haven't posted in a few weeks...

I went on vaca to Cancun...had an absolute blast going to all the clubs, meeting some great people, relaxing, and hanging out with my best friend in the world, who i don't get to see too often. It was just an awesome trip. I ate pretty well.......it was all inclusive, but i stuck to healthy food and didn't really eat a lot of sweets.....all the stuff on the islands isn't too sweet, its all fresh, and with all the dancing and everything, i actually managed to loose some weight!

However since i've been home for a bit over a week, i've been doing a lot of nothing with some work on the side. I realized that when i sit at home, i sleep and eat, and thats about it lol. So I went to Gold's and signed a new contract for a month, and got my butt back to the gym!

I plan to use that to full advantage, after that i'll have about 3 weeks left here at home before i leave for school. During those couple of weeks, instead of wasting another 80$ for only 2 weeks to workout, im going to go to the fitness room at my community center. I can do my cardio there, and they have some weights. It'll be limited, but better than nothing!

Starting Sept. 2nd, ill be away at school, and there are gyms on every campus! So all in all, now its just time to settle into a routine that i will stick to when i get to school.

I went to the doctor for my shots before i start school, and i weighted in at 187 on their scale. I'll take that as my current weight, even though basically im the same since December, my body looks completely different so its quite odd. I'd like to break 170 before i leave for school. I have six weeks to lose 17 lbs, and i think its quite possible.

I'm glad to be back!

Cancun!

2006-06-25T08:17:00.000-07:00

Yay! I'm leaving for 11 days tomorrow morning for cancun!

I'm excited.

I know i haven't really been around...i've been reading but not doing much myself, and i don't like to fake it lol. However, i've been doing a lot of thinking, and i'm really not happy with the fact that i held a lot back in high school because of the extra weight. I don't want to go to college and lose the weight there....i dont want to be " that girl who lost 50 pounds". I want to be the confident hot girl!

As soon as i get back from vaca, (where i do plan to do a lot of walking to make up for the food) im hitting the gym and am completely on plan. I do think I can prob lose at least 20 pounds in 9 weeks.

The guy that i went to senior prom with last year lost a tooooooooon of weight that year, but i haven't seen him since last summer and just saw new pictures. I'm going to eyeball it at prob at least a 120 pounds. He looks fantastic! What motivation for me :)

I'm graduating...

2006-06-14T19:17:00.000-07:00

From high school today. I can't believe it.

We have graduation early this year, so it hasn't really hit me until the last few days.

Not to be modest, but i've been pretty succesful in high school. I may have not been in the top ten, but i was involved, had great grades, and i like to say i was pretty well liked.

I'm scared about what's to come......im not bad with change, but im scared shitless of failing. And that's what i worry about come september. I'm worried that im going to get lost in the shuffle, and not suceed.

Happy Birthday to me!

2006-05-29T17:55:00.000-07:00

Today is my 18th birthday, which means I'm legal, and can now be charged as an adult if i go to jail lol!

While I may not be the weight i want to be, i have lost some weight, have started to develop MUCH better habits, am more aware of what i eat and should (or should not lol! be eating, but most importantly.......

Mentally, the last six months have helped me so much. I am so much happier with myself, and am learning how to become a better person both inside and out. I've accepted that when things do click, it will be for me and no one else. I look forward to that. I'm working on getting myself to a much healthier place, and i know that it will come it time. When i am ready to let go of this mental block which keeps me eating and not working out like i should, then i will achieve my goal.

Here's to another great 12 months, which new school new friends and new memories to come! This IS the first day of a new life!

Junior & Senior Prom 05 comparison Prom 06

2006-05-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

Finding my way back to the wagon...

2006-05-21T16:04:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I've updated. I've just been stressed out with so much to do, and so tired of trying to pull myself back on the wagon that I decided I just needed some time off from constantly thinking about what i should and shouldn't eat, not paying any attention to that, and just all around being frustrated. The weird thing is that i KNOW things are changing because of the way my clothes fit and my sizes change, but the numbers on the scale just don't, and then i get so freaked out b/c i just don't know what the fuck is going on.

Prom was this thursday and I had the time of my life. It was really really fun, and the best part......i wore a size 10 dress! I admit a tight size ten, but still my goal was a 9/10. In all honestly, idk...the dress i was originally supposed to wear was a 12 but it fit perfectly and it was a Jessica McKlinton size 12, and everyone says you're supposed to go up a couple of sizes in her dress just b/c they're so odd.......and i did try on 11's, 12's, 13's when i was trying different dresses on, but the one i wore was a 10 damn it! That made me happy, especially since i wore a size 8 shirt from H&M which didn't fit when i bought it a month and a half ago, and a bathing suit i bought during the winter now looks good. So My body is changing, but its def. time to commit myself to this 110%, and start seeing a change on that scale. I def. let myself get away with eating too much junk and not working out enough. I'm never going to lose this 50 lbs (estimating) that I want to lose to get to my goal of 135.

This weekend, i drank and ate so much junk, but im not at all annoyed with myself. I knew i was going to do it, and i decided that i wasn't going to stress long before i started. I mean, who goes to the shore for the weekend to get drunk with the rest of their class and doesn't? It was more then worth it...

Class trip to Virginia Beach is in ten days, my birthday is in eight, and Cancun is in just a little over a month. So I've decided that my goal is to be at 170 before Cancun. I think that I can lose about 15 lbs, I really do. I have this quiet resolve in myself right now, and its making me really happy. I'm just going to do this full tilt...eat right, workout, and make myself happy. Even with prom, I felt like i looked great, but the pictures themselves im not that happy with, so i do think that the camera adds extra weight, so I just want to be sure that when I look back at Cancun pictures, im happy. When I get back from vaca, I've got just about 2 months until college, and I do expect to do a lot of working out, and eating right, and just living healthy, so I expect to get quite close to goal before school. I plan to be at 135 by Thanksgiving of this year. I know i can do it.

A lot of stuff is going on right now, with this being the end of my senior year...i've got a lot of good stuff going on, but also a bunch of final projects. However, instead of freaking out and stressing, I'm going to turn towards being calmer and putting myself in a better place mentally.

Off to get some work done and plan my meals out for 2m. I think by doing this just day by day, it should help a lot.

Sending out getting skinny for summer vibes to everyone!

27 days till I'm legal!

2006-05-02T12:02:00.000-07:00

Yay on the title :)

Last week and the week before were really good, but since Saturday, this have been a bit...bumpy. I won't say that I've fallen off the wagon alltogether, but I've been indulging.......a corn muffin or two, a bagel and a half this morning....some bread w/ cavier and stuffed biscuit things at a family party, and some cake.....its just been too much bad stuff! Plus yesterday, that I though that I was fully back on the wagon, but then at work i just ate too much stuff......not even bad, but i wasn't hungry just bored! Do you have any idea how hard it is to be around food when there's nothing to do??? lol...So yup, a corn muffin, a banana, a cup of beef noodle soup, and two handfuls of chips that i really didn't want...

Oh well.... So i had a free bagel and a half this morning, but then i wasn't hungry during lunch, so i had an iced coffee and a banana. Now, I'm off to the gym! Once i go three times this week, I've hit that 21 days to form a habit! Yay!

I'm just really happy that these 3 days or so didn't completely throw me off. PLUS i tried on a pair of capris last week which i can now pull off easily w/o even unzipping or unbottoning, and another pair that now fit me perfectly, where last year they were skin tight and did that weird bulging thing around my thighs w/ extra material around the summer......and my prom dress just keeps looking better and better on me! I'm going to do comparison shots of prom last year and this year, b/c i think i look pretty different.....

okay off to the volleyball game at school and then the gym!

Loving the weather! High 60's and low 70's all week!

59 days and Counting...

2006-04-27T19:26:00.000-07:00

Yep, 59 days until Cancun. I'm so excited...its going to be a lot of fun, at least i hope and expect it will :)

So I just enrolled at Rutgers. Its done- w/e. In the end, I only committed to a year for my parents, if I don't LOVE it, I'm trasferring. I plan to reapply to Maryland, and a school of two up in Boston. No more than 3 tops.

On the diet front, things have been going good. I started exercising again consistently last week- light weights and 40 mins walks 3 times. This week, I did heavy sessions at the gym twice, and I've been doing weights for the arms at home all week. I've also decided that I will be running a 5k in the fall (wow, me running, who would've thought?!) I'm starting slowly...I did a mile on the treadmill at the gym last night, mostly walking, but not b/c of the fact that I was out of breath like usual........the fitness level is def. up there, but its hard for me to run b/c I get horrible shin splints! They hurt like a bitch!

I'm going to work my way up to running the full 3.1 miles on the treadmill, and then ill be doing it outside, since i know that's much tougher. I'm going to do it tho, def.

Let's see what else? Food has been good....I'm eating in the morning, and then continuing with small portions during the day. Right now, the hardest thing for me has been to keep staying away from dif drinks and getting in enough water. I'm not up to the 64 oz a day......When i have the water in front of me, its not hard tho, so im going to go load up this weekend. In general, with senior year coming to its end, i dont have a lot of extra work, so I've had the time to relax, workout, and sleep. Wow, I've been getting so much extra sleep! Its awesome :)

I've also read something online that I think will help me....I'm not concentrating on numbers right now, but I have decided that I will be at my goal weight when I am a size 7/8. That's where I want my body to be, and im happy with whatever weight I'm at. I'll still be weighing myself, but right now I look totally different and I'm still at 186 (as of Sunday).

The weird thing is that I think I grew an inch :)

So that's the news........I hope things keep going this well. I'm so looking forward to things if they keep going this well.

25 pounds in 2.5 months?!

2006-04-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

I've been away.......not literally but mentally, just trying to get a handle on my life. I've decided that I'm most likely going to go to college @ Rutgers....that will put me at an hour away from my hometown and the parental units, 5 mins from my sister (yay!) and hopefully not in the same dorm building as anyone i graduated with.

It was really hard for me to make this decision. I don't want to be one of those stereotypical kids who falls in the "everyone from here goes to rutgers" While I would love love LOVE to go to maryland, an extra 12K a year just ain't worth it. I'll be happy at Rutgers, I'll be close to the fam, and hell, i can always transfer. Plus, I would love to go to grad school down in actual DC in 4 years.

Temple is still an option tho, if they offer me more $ from just the business school itself- then i can't pass it down. Less than RU money wise, honors program and AWESOME dorm, a free labtop.......if only it wasn't in the middle of Philly.....

I've got two weeks to make a final decision......any suggestion would be lovely :) I wish i had a gut feeling to go on, but right now, I really don't.

ANYWAY...........diet news......

the 2weeks-ish the parentals were away, i did a lot of thinking. And eating, but that's a side matter :)

I want this more than anything i ever wanted before. I want to look good, be happy, be healthy, and not have to worry about it anymore. The crap that I will cut out of my life, the good stuff (food and excercise that i add in) will only make it better, and hell, once i get to maintanence, well.......everything in moderation is allowed.

So the goals are this:

I want to be 160 lbs by Cancun (June 26th) I don't know if it's possible, but when I'm 100% on goal, I do pretty well, so as long as I work hard from here on out, I will be HAPPY with whatever weight I am when i go.

I will be 145 by my cousin's wedding in Sept. I want to look hot for all the cute boys :)

Goal and at least a month+ of maintaining by Thanksgiving 06! (Which is also pep rally, where all the graduated senior of the spring come back! I'm going to look dammmmmmmn good!)

I CAN DO THIS!

Growing up

2006-03-26T16:39:00.000-08:00

Back to blogger....

Let's see.................D.C. was absolutly fantastic! I loved it even more than ever and was able to take the metro out to the University of Maryland, which was amazing. It's a beautiful school, all green grass and lots of large old buildings. Dorms leave much to be desired, but what else could I possible expect?

I've also been to Temple and Rutgers in the last week, so now I only have Towson left to see, and I will probably go to U Maryland when I'm down there again! God, I can't beleive that I have to decide where I'm going to school w/in the next month!

Diet wise and march madness have not been as sucessful as i would like. Let's see, the first half of D.C. I was great with the good + lots of walking....then the last couple of days i ate a lot of candy and just not that great in general.....and then the last week that i've been home i've basically eaten whatever and everything i could possibly want. Part of it's stress w/ all this college stuff, other times its just frustration and boredom.

The good news is that with all this junk, i've only gained a pound. The bad news is that while i had lost some inches, i'm still basically sitting at the same weight that i've been at since.......oh i don't know, January?! In total, I've only dropped 6 pounds! This makes me very.........annoyed. It's like, while i know im not doing everything that i need to be doing to lose the weight, i still feel like im thinking about it all the time, and so my mind plays tricks on me and is like....wellllllll you're trying to lose weight, its just not working.

I know for a fact that it's because im not consistent. Sometimes i work out, lots of times i don't. I eat out too much, and im still eating too much crap in general.

I know that these last couple of months have been important b/c even though the scale hasn't been moving all that much, mentally, lots has been going on. I know what works for me, and what doesn't. I know it's a journey, not a race. I know this isn't a diet, but a lifestyle change. I know that i feel BETTER when i eat right and excercise, but most importantly, I know that just because today was bad, doesn't mean its over.

I need to set some realistic goals(timeline) and rewards.
I need to find a plan that works for me, and i need to dedicate some time to it.
I need to realize that in the long run, this extra time and effort is MORE than worth it.
I need to do this now, for myself and for no one else.

I'm determined to do this- do it the right way, and find myself. I'm growing up, i'm changing, and it's ok. It's time for me to move on- to leave my childhood behind, and start making some real decisions and take some real responsibilites.

Sometimes it scares me that i want this so badly. I don't want to fail- and i've given up on a lot of things in life b/c i refuse to fail. I'd rather not try than fail. But this time, I'm not leaving myself either option. It's going to happen- I just know it. Maybe it won't happen by the time I want it to, but it will happen one day soon. Not ten or twenty years from now, but one day soon.

D.C.!

2006-03-12T18:06:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow, bright and early, I will be in school at 6:30 a.m. for the coach bus to D.C.

I'm really excited! I went last year, but I didn't really know what to expect and didn't get to see everything that I wanted to. This time, my research is limited to one day (evil evil me :) ) and i am so planning to site see the rest of the week!

I have no way to excercise, but with all the walking we do, I'm not worried. Plus I didn't buy any snacks for the hotel room this time, and I am bringing a ton of water bottles with me b/c im cheap, and I'm looking foward to eating healthy all week.

I finally also bout a memory card for my camera so there will be pictures when i get back, if i can figure out how to upload them:)

Have a good week ladies...I'll be back Friday afternoon, but am going to Philly Saturday to look at schools, and am working Sunday morning, and will be exhausted Sunday afternoon, plus making up work at school all next week...I'm not exactly sure when I'll be back online, but don't worry, I will!

Perfect day

2006-03-08T19:50:00.000-08:00

I think I can honestly say that today was my first perfect day in over a month.

Food:

B: plain yogurt w/ cinnamon and strawberries

S:Cashews(kinda w/ breakfast tho lol i was really full)

L: Breaded chicken pieces (this was the only semi-bad thing)

S: Banana

D: 4 sm. turkey meatballs and a piece of chicken w/ a sliced tomato

I had 3 bottles of 17 oz water, a bottle of diet snapple iced tea, and a medium iced coffee w/ cream and splenda

NO SWEETS OR BREAD! I finally made it through a day without either of the evils. I feel like i can live with this...

Plus i had an amazinnnngggg workout, so im at 2 this wk with another planned for friday and saturday afternoon. Hopefully I will hit my goal of 4 this week.

I'm feeling good, and will be doing weigh in Sunday since im leaving monday for D.C. for the week :)